Sometimes in a marriage you just want space, a lot of space, like ‘leaving the relationship’ kind of space.
Right?
You have a deeper longing is to just want to be alone, to break free from the seeming claustrophobia of a long term relationship.
You feel stifled or trapped.
If you start to take this thought seriously, you might notice how you slowly begin to make your spouse wrong. Over time you focus on their weaknesses instead of their strengths.
You allow them to irritate you and you convince yourself it is them.
You might get in the habit of finding fault with them to build your case as to why you need to leave.
You slowly convince yourself that without them, and without this relationship, everything would be better.
“My life would be a whole lot better without you…” you mutter to yourself after yet another fight that goes nowhere…
You feel like a self-righteous teenager who finally wants to get the f*ck out of your parents house once and for all.
But if you are half-way paying attention and take a closer look, this defiance for freedom can be another symptom of your fear and your unwillingness to go deeper with your mate, which translates into going deeper in yourself.
And, let’s say you “move out” of mom and dads house and you finally get the freedom you want…
…it can be “better” for a while, yes?
But meanwhile, without realizing it, you hit the eject button on your capacity to love.
Thus, you will return to that moment in your psychology again and again until you expand beyond that limitation in your heart.
Moreover, once “free” you now are alone.
…Gulp…
Now that you are alone, you are older and now facing the gauntlet of being over __(insert your age) and single. Hmmm.
“Wait, I thought I wanted freedom, only to find my quest for escape and freedom has led me to the other pole–a desire for connection.”
…Sigh…
You remember that you don’t want to die alone.
In fact, you suddenly see that you want partnership. You need partnership.
Oh, damn.
You don’t really want to be alone after all.
You are now getting wiser.
You begin to see the seduction of freedom and the fallacy in “trapped.”
So, what are you to do?
As the wise ones know, you can indeed find both freedom and connection in the context of a long-term relationship.
The trick for you is to learn how.
And most dense people believe that it’s either or. So, they cycle in very frustrating relationships that don’t last very long (like I did for a decade). Whenever it gets hard, they bail and they make their partner (or themselves) wrong in the process.
But not you, right?
You’re smarter.
You want to work with your density when it comes to intimacy.
You want your heart to expand and blaze a bigger fire, yes?
So, your first step is to stop allowing your small mind convince you that freedom is on the other side of your challenging relationship, and to see that freedom and relief are in fact found, inside of the very challenging and frustrating dynamic with your spouse.
In order to be able to make this Jedi move, you’ll need to learn the smart way to do relationship using 7 foundational pillars.
Read more about that here.
Leave A Response