What’s Possible When a Gay Man Does “Straight” Personal Growth Work? (guest post)

This is a post from my friend Daniel V, a participant about to go through the six-month men’s leadership training. He asked if I’d post this. I said of course.  He’ll write 3 pieces total. Before, during, and after his experience. This is his pre-training post! Enjoy.

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I came out to myself in 1991. That’s always the first step. But then what?

I stumbled around for 10 years trying to make sense of this crazy thing called life much less making sense of the sexuality.

For 10 years I went from therapist to therapist spending thousands of dollars and getting nowhere. Often I would feel better but nothing shifted. A friend told me that he had a therapist to bitch about his problems. I saw the same thing in support groups, bitch, moan, angst, pity.

Aaaaaaaarg.

I’m supposed to just sit there and listen to these guys bitch about how unworkable their life is when they just need to get off the damn couch and do something. The therapy route let me get in the same mode of bitching. We talked but rarely if ever did we fall into the trauma and get real with it. I was done bitching. There was no challenge, and for me no trust. It almost always felt like I was just something to get money from, until I stumbled on a podcast.

The New Man Podcast opened the door to a different way of looking at the world. It showed me a view where I stopped blaming and started claiming. It’s an active way of dealing with the shit that keeps me from living the fullest life.  I wrote in and asked for help and was introduced to Jayson Gaddis.

Since then, things have changed a lot. I could bitch about how I still haven’t been in a relationship, or I’m still at the same frustrating job, or any of the other things that haven’t changed in my life (and um I do) or I can stop and see how I’ve begun let go of the old victim mentality. How by claiming an active roll in my life I’m happy for the first time since I can remember.

Now I’ve come to a point where I desire to take a deeper dive into my spirit and psyche.

ENTER MLT

This going deeper thing is a matter of removing the next layer of story. To explore the next level of self.  I wanted to find something that was more challenging than anything I’ve ever done before. To dig so deep that I vomit (ewwww).

Enter the Men’s Leadership Training. A six month in depth, hands on training that teaches men how to integrate the crap by community and participation. So I will have to go deep too. I seriously doubt I’ll vomit (bummer) but I might really want to.

THE CHALLENGE

The MLT is a program directed at men’s issues and what affects us most in relationship and… wait let me change that.  The MLT is a program directed at straight men and men’s issues. One of the key selling points for me was getting to be involved with like minded men who aren’t afraid to be vulnerable. For six months we are in a container of open camaraderie with men on a spiritual path.

My fear is open scorn.

The real challenge for me, however, is the interpretation of the straight to gay experience.

My belief is that there is very little, such as when straight folk talk about fear of pregnancy, I have the fear of HIV. There are some definite differences though. One is the fear of intimacy that isn’t hidden— even holding hands or kissing your partner good bye is an invite for scorn. Also social interactions between straights is so very different than for gays.

Adjusting to the differences and opening to love is the goal. What straight folk get from me is someone who can help them gain perspective. What I get from them is support and understanding at how normal I really am.

To close, I’ll confess that I HATE being gay. I am, I’ve known since I was bitty.

I’ve taken this difference personally and now am finally getting to a place where I can confront this imagined attack at my personality. I get to step into a fuller place.

I’m excited and scared.

I chose this program partially because I am different than the other participants but also because I am the same. I am a man and I am one who wants to face all the frustration and fear I feel head on.  I know one thing that even with me, MLT is about being human. I will learn to love my humanity.

40 years old, single, and damn tired of it, Daniel is working on finding the spiritual path that leads to self-acceptance. He works and lives in boulder.