If your life slowly came crashing down and you began to lose your grip, how would you deal?
If the storm continued for months upon months, what would remain standing in the ashes?
For me, there are only 3 things left at this point:
1. Family—my wife, son, and baby on the way.
2. Community—friends, men’s group, my guide, and others who unconditionally support my utter deconstruction
3. My gift— the ability to heal and help others become who they are and become whole again.
That’s about it.
And it’s quite liberating really.
Now, I’m not suggesting the storm is over for me. Hardly. I think there’s more dying to do, more to let go of, and more to surrender to.
While part of me wants to run for the hills to “finish the job,” I am unwilling to abandon my wife and kids. So the process is a slow burn for me.
I am a householder—a dude with one foot in the material world and one foot in the spiritual world. Perhaps you are like me in this way.
So, while I continue to get my ass kicked by Life (re-frame is that I am getting loved ferociously by Life), I may as well do two things:
1. Enjoy the ride and laugh at the cosmic joke of it all
2. Give my deep gifts and serve.
Last night I dreamt I was with a scouting party high in the snowy mountains in the middle of the night. A man was scared of wolves. He “flushed” them out using a garden hoe. One got trapped in a snare of chains. I was angry. I moved close to the wolf. I spoke to the wolf, calming it, and breathing with it until it relaxed and trusted me. I slowly removed the shiney silver chains from its huge powerful body. The wolf was free again. End of dream.
Digesting this powerful message, I see that my true essence, my soul is the wolf. My ego wants to keep its power chained up, sequestered. But my being is emerging from the darkness and can no longer be contained. I have now have an inner ally to support my radiant, loving, power to run free again.
Progress!
My ability to stand in the face of great adversity, challenge, terror, conflict, tension, and profound love is only widening and deepening.
Perhaps I will meet you there.
14 Comments
Durwin Foster
November 17, 2010Dude, I stand with you in your commitment to your family amidst this kind of “slow burn” that you speak about. I can relate very much to that challenge. Your dream sounds very powerful — your interpretation about your soul or “unique self” saying “here I am” makes a lot of sense to me.
And for what it is worth, I am wondering if you took on alot more than you realized with the men's conference. Evolving men is a BIG task, with the big sociological constraint — that is, there is not much surplus left over after children and women are cared for, to be used for men's development!
Jayson
November 17, 2010Durwinator,
Thanks dude. I took on what I needed to take on with the EMC. It was the perfect storm to cast me into the deep end. Men aren't caring for women so much anymore. Women are doing double duty. Many men are asleep at the wheel. Men's development will be a boon when men are interested in men's development.
Durwin Foster
November 18, 2010HI Jayson: We need to keep speaking — I want to. I do not have a men's group at the moment. I am very interested in men's development. I am not sure I see that women are doing double duty, so much as you. This is what would make for an interesting discussion. Because I see many women as more free; my mortgage specialist drives a BMW for example, while I have a 350k mortgage that last night kept me awake for hours — at least, that was the obvious trigger.
Perhaps we need to join together in a business sense a bit more — i.e. men who are at a postmodern level of development or higher need to align themselves in terms of supporting each other in career, economics and business.
The traditionalist and essentialist males are not going to be on our wavelength. They are not going to get it, and they will push back.
Owen Marcus
November 17, 2010Jayson,
Congratulations on your journey down to that dark night and back up. I agree with Durwin that you commitment to EMC, your family and your growth were the set up.
I like your word ‘deconstruct’. It has always felt like my world from the inside out was being disassembled to be reassembled in some new way that I had no conscious control of. The evolution of my relationship with my partner was one of those several months battles with myself that ended last weekend.
Thank you for having the courage to lead other men by example.
Jayson
November 17, 2010Owen,
Thanks bro. Btw, I doubt I'm back up yet, just coming up for air in this moment and on this particular wave. I have no delusions that I won't be on my face again before too long. I'm surprisingly not too worried about it (today :))
Take care of yourself with the recent loss and thank you for your ongoing support!
Mary
November 17, 2010hi jayson,
we have not yet met, and i have no idea how i came upon you in cyberland, but alas, here we are. i have been reading your missives, checking out your work and really vibing with it. i lov eyour authenticity and willingness to make yourselkf so vulnerable to the world, come what may. you have someone in your corner here in santa fe and i have forwarded your writing to a few close friends.
i have a great coach and i am a coach inspired by your style. you are in a life stage where you need that nest and the nesters need you. i imagine it is a very sweet spot in the earth where your family dwells together and that you are able to head for the hills when your soul calls you to those beautiful mountains…with and without your family.
the era in my life is as empty nester, so, after a few years, my husband and i activated our next series of dreams. we sold our house and stuff in 3 weeks last summer, bought an rv with solar panels and hit the open road. we traveled 10,000 miles not knowing where we;d end up–and where we are is just for 4 seasons and then we'll re-evaluate and probably travel some more, but in Europe or Central America. We were frustrated world travelers but made the choice to have roots to raise family and now we get to live close-ish to our son and his wife and we have great times together.
well, keep exposing that peaceful warrior heart of yours and bringing others along to do the same. i am a huge advocate for pushing the bounds of our limits, and celebrating getting to the other side—or not! deep work is where its at, feeling it deep, this life, letting it go, the pain, and laughing hearty and well, brother, as i am sure you do in addition to those tears freeing up the emotional body.
peace, joy and bliss!
mary
Jayson
November 17, 2010Ah yes, an inspiring tale Mary. So cool for you and your man to cut the chord, travel and then come to rest near family again.
Thanks for the support. At this point, there's no turning back. Much more to come!
Blessings to you!
Jayson
Andrew
November 17, 2010Jason thanks for sharing that. I learn something about myself every time you write. By being vulnerable you give your strength to anyone who comes across your words.
Thank you
Andrew,
Jayson
November 17, 2010Thank you brother!
Brad
November 17, 2010So what then for the people who don't have 1, 2 and 3?
Jayson
November 17, 2010Brad, I'm pretty sure you have #1 no? If not, that is news to me. Curious about that.
If you don't have 2 and 3, then you have less to let go of. But I imagine with you, you are hanging on to some pretty thin threads that will break at some point. If that's true, that will be good news. That's when the real work begins. 🙂
Justin
November 18, 2010My wife posted this on her blog the other day & when I read this, I thought of it. ~ Cheers!
“there will never be a storm that can wash the path from my feet, the direction from my heart, the light from my eyes, or the purpose from this life. i know that i am untouchable by the forces as long as i have a direction, an aim, a goal: to serve, to love, to give. st…renghth lies in the magnification of the secret qualities of my own personality, my own character” -swami satyananda saraswiti
Eva
November 21, 2010Progress! i bless and understand this progress also. sounds like we have been going through similar things… dedicating love to you.
Eva
November 21, 2010Progress! i bless and understand this progress also. sounds like we have been going through similar things… dedicating love to you.
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