Men and Women: This is your chance to give us men some honest feedback. Where do we need to improve? What do you want to see more of? Less of?
This is part one of a three-step project I’m cranking out. Don’t worry, this is not meant to just focus on the negative with men. Quite the contrary. However, we need a real-time assessment from everyday people like you. I want a baseline and some collective input from as many men and women as possible.
I only need one statement from you.
I realize I’m asking you to generalize, and it will be most helpful if you think of yourself (if you are a man) or the men in your lives. We men might actually benefit from it.
If you are down to help out, keep reading.
Let’s look at the current sociological landscape of masculinity by quickly reviewing what some experts say.
If you watched the Superbowl this year, you saw the barrage of lame-ass ads directed toward men. Here is a great commentary on them by Mark Morford of SFGate called Ode to the Whipped White Male.
The trend seems to be building about the utter confusion men find themselves in today. Although men are still largely in power, women are outpacing men in the workforce for the first time ever. Women’s empowerment programs are all over the world and are having a significant impact.
What about boys and men?
According to Raising Cain, a PBS documentary, “America’s boys are in trouble. They are the most violent in the industrialized world. Many are unable to express their emotions. On average, boys are doing worse in the classroom than they were 10 years ago.”
Once they become “adults” young men stay adrift longer, putting off growing up as long as humanly possible. This group becomes trapped in Guyland. As of early 2010, one in five men were unemployed. Most conventional mainstream guys are confused, lost, depressed, or putting on a show and pretending to be happy. I have written about this a bit in a previous post “Why men are boys and what can be done about it.”
So then, what about men’s empowerment programs? Can’t they help? Well, uh…..um……yeah…..
While there are many high quality men’s programs out there including mine, it is still commonplace for men to subscribe to the old-school “go-it-alone” mentality. Not only that, but the conventional mainstream man pokes fun of men’s work and men’s empowerment programs calling them “gay,” “stupid,” “weak,” or “new agey,” which, in the end, reveals more about that man’s fears than about the programs themselves.
Even in a recent Daily Show parody, BetterMen.org was made fun of for men sitting around in a circle acting like “vagina-men.”
So, if a man “stays the course” he is screwed, and if he chooses to “man up” and do some work on himself, he is made fun of.
Alas, many men have found themselves in a collapsed stupor, driving their dodge charger as fast as possible to their man-cave, as Morford suggests, to play video games, watch sports, drink beer, and resent their wives and girlfriends. All the while they “pretend” everything is fine.
As a guy who has worn the conventional guy-land hat for years, I know the territory well. I walked in his shoes far past a mile, both sober and drunk, way too many times. I know the pain and I know the mask that covers it up.
Now, forget what others are saying, I want to hear from you!
Here’s how it works:
What is your personal experience of men? Think of the men in your life and look around. Your boss, your father? Your son? Co-workers, boyfriends, husbands, Ex-husbands? What pains you the most about yourself as a man, other men, or a man in your life?
What blind spots do you see men having? Where does society stand to benefit the most if these changes could be realized?
What matters here, is what you think of men. Forget the stats, what is your take? Where are us guys at right now? What is our problem? Please only focus on where we can improve.
What’s “right” about men is coming. Remember, this is part one of a big project I’m working on. I can hardly wait to share it! Stay tuned…
My goal is to get 100 responses from anyone and everyone about what you see as the big issues men have today. I want brutal honesty!
I will create a video with the most common, most powerful responses and give you credit. This will then serve as our jumping off point to go further toward change, wholeness, and visioning a brighter future.
What I need from YOU!
Send me one statement with your feedback for men everywhere.
Women: Pretend you have every man’s full attention. You could say anything and they would completely listen and then make that change. If you could give us feedback in one statement about where we could grow, what is it? Make it personal. Think of the men you know in your life that need some honest feedback. Consider it an offering to them.
Men: Think of what you personally struggle with the most in your life and chances are you are far from alone. There are other men like you. Look at your circles. Think of your Dad, your brothers, your friends and colleagues? Take a moment to acknowledge you are not perfect and even you could use a pep talk. Make it personal. Your feedback is service to your fellow man.
Other: If you don’t identify as man or woman, what do you think we need from your unique perspective?
Pick the absolute most important issue to you and write it here in one sentence by finishing this sentence…
My constructive feedback for MEN is….
Then leave your name (first and/or last), age, and home city.
You are welcome to submit a photo (of yourself or of men) for the video. The more personal it is, the more of an impact we can have.
Remember, keep it to one sentence only please!
Just reply to this post below, leave a comment below, or email me your feedbac: [email protected]
46 Comments
marcusambrester
February 15, 2010My feedback for men is to recognize our teachers when they show up!
bryankhuddleston
February 15, 2010My constructive feedback for MEN is….
Allow yourself to feel, discover what you really love, and then follow your heart.
blackturtle
February 15, 2010Men should remember that while they may not agree with what others are saying/ doing/ thinking etc. that it does not mean that they can disregard, disrespect or otherwise ignore it.
randlefox
February 15, 2010My constructive feedback for MEN is stop settling for less than you really deserve because we are so worth it and we deserve to be happy.
ronjnail
February 15, 2010My constructive feedback for MEN is….stop settling. Find your purpose, your passion, what you deem best, and go for it, all the way.
Ron, 50, Lubbock, TX
Gabriel
February 15, 2010My constructive feedback for MEN is to cultivate mindful awareness of your own suffering and have compassion for said suffering.
pambelding
February 15, 2010My advice for men would be for them to treat the women in their lives like partners, not slaves or children. We are all on the same team. Let's work together.
yazzymon
February 16, 2010My constructive feedback for MEN is….that we all need to embrace our societal addiction to pornography and end it.
It is destructive in so many ways and sadly pervasive.
An acquaintance of mine posted on Facebook the other day about his long bicycle trip. He LOVES crusty European breads. His stop in San Fran had a pic posted that said “Bread Porn” and there was a pic of a loaf of crusty bread, made me sad!!
Pornography is no joke!
bdarfler
February 16, 2010My constructive feedback for MEN is…
learn to understand and fulfill your physical, mental, and emotional needs so you can serve the people and comittments in your life.
Ben, 27, Boston MA
Jeff Taylor
February 16, 2010My constructive feedback for MEN is…. stop letting the fear of disappointment and the perceived notion that others will see you as a failure for trying and not achieving and start DOING.
Carlos
February 16, 2010My constructive feedback for MEN is….let go of what you think manliness is and how you feel you should act and reach true self-confidence by focusing on relationships with the ones you love whether it be a significant other, family or friends.
Carlos, 24, Provo, UT
Michelle
February 16, 2010My constructive feedback for MEN is own your crap but don't let it own you. Face your own brokenness with honest courage and work toward being a person of integrity and honor for the sakes of everyone around you.
Erin Brandt
February 16, 2010My constructive feedback for men is to answer “Thank you for telling me what's going on for you” EVERY time a woman shares a feeling of hers with you… ESPECIALLY if you don't like it.
Lisa
February 16, 2010Remember who you were before the world did its work of tearing you down–be that man.
Patrick
February 16, 2010My constructive feedback for MEN is…
Get over your teenage years ASAP and move on to being a sensitive, compassionate, hard working adult who cares about other people.
..oh and shave the goatee…really
derek
February 16, 2010My constructive feedback for MEN: Grow a beard
utopicus
February 17, 2010My contructive feedback for MEN is:
Start trying to see the diference between what you think and what you feel. Can you find one?
Matt Leiphart
February 17, 2010My constructive feedback for MEN is let's:
1) Quit pretending the best course of action will be delivered to us;
2) Trust our gut;
3) Stop denying our emotion, pain, and passion;
4) Take bold action without approval (from society, spouses, family, etc.)
5) Define our place in the world as protector, caregiver, daredevil.
Dan
February 17, 2010My constructive feedback for men is to….
Regain a sense of balance and let go of social conditioning. Make this a priority. Just as Yang balances Yin and the Sun balances the Moon (symbolically) we must balance our masculine nature with the feminine. Stop trying so hard to be something you're not and realize freedom and creativity require that we break out of the hypnosis of social conditioning. We will offer the the planet much more and our fellow human ,much more if we let go and balance ourselves.
Dan – 41
Dallas, TX
SpidaHunter
February 17, 2010My constructive feedback for MEN is;
1) Surround yourself with people that will support you
2) Never Stop learning/Growing
3) Choose to be honest
4) Have fun, manhood is a journey not a destination (as I'm learning 🙂
WillCreates
February 17, 2010My constructive feedback for MEN is to stop dwelling on the mud that is up to your chest and look up to the people surrounding you and ask for a hand. (Don't be afraid that you're totally lost.)
Diego
February 17, 2010My constructive feedback for men is realize you have a choice in everything you do, and find a way to trust yourself.
Marj Hahne
February 17, 2010My constructive feedback for MEN is…
to rigorously discern whether they're integrating their emotional/spiritual work from the inside-out such that they implode who they've known themselves to be, or they're simply applying outwardly, via their actions and speech, all the self-actualization/new-age strategies, techniques, and vocabulary in ways that “look and sound good” but eventually betray the gap in full-out integrity: “awake” men who don't wake up to this are sometimes scarier for me than men who haven't consciously worked on themselves, because the “conscious” man is now better equipped to deny and defend that gap, which is where unconscious manipluation, domination, and other survival strategies still show up.
geofflaughton
February 17, 2010Jayson,
Great post…just need a bit of clarity…do you want us to offer our feedback as a comment to the blog post, or is there another place we should send them? Just in case it's here, my feedback is as follows:
“My constructive feedback for MEN is to remember that one of the gifts of your being a man is your ability to bring your masculine power into partnership with your connection to your heart (remember that?) to co-create a world that doesn't thrive on separation – from our own essence or with the opposite sex.
mrguess
February 17, 2010My constructive feedback for MEN depends on the men, because what seems well for some does not seem well for all.
Brent_B
February 18, 2010When meditation makes your life better you should keep doing it. Don´t stop! You may find yourself slowly drifting back toward the patterns from whence you came. So stay with what works, have the wisdom to continue your spiritual practices even when things are good.
Brent_B
February 18, 2010Let those whom you love be free. Trust them and accept them for who they are. If they break your heart, accept the pain. It's part of life. You can't own people, and you can't lock them away in your own little corner.
Brent_B
February 18, 2010Brent, 33, Portland OR
ricksnyder
February 18, 2010We can't really learn to be in relationship with women until we first learn what it means to be in relationship with ourselves.
endfile
February 19, 2010My constructive feedback for MEN is….and this goes for women too ,,, get over this gender identification myth; you are uniquely you and whatever “society” or the angel/devil on your shoulder has told you about which gender or what gender characteristics you should be following are a complete distraction from the fulfilling experience of self-discovery and self-unfoldment.
endfile
February 19, 2010My name is Roger. I am 64. I live in Ashland Oregon. Read Mauareen Dowd's excellent book “Are Men Really Necessary?” She covers both sides scientifically and fairly. The disappearance of the Y chromosome will leave us all with non gender identifiable bodies in the upcoming future. The human body continues to evolve, so don't destroy your life by identifying with it; Identify with yourself and live YOUR LIFE. I am just breaking free of the yoke of my perceived “role”, which I was 'successful' at: it's a joke, don't fall for it.
Pam
February 19, 2010Accept responsibility for your actions. Your way does NOT mean it's right. You don't ALWAYS have to win.
Darren
February 20, 2010My constructive feedback for MEN is… “Real men get real!” Real men drop the facade and stop pretending to be who they are not… they connect with other men who are willing to get real… they deal with their past… and they do all that they need to, to discover and realize their destinies, which should always result in helping others succeed.
firebrand9
February 21, 2010My constructive feedback for MEN is to contemplate and re-discover the meaning of Fatherhood, to question themselves as to what is lacking in their relationships with their wives, children, and companions, and to launch out in a daring, personal enterprise of self-giving and commitment as true and manly Fathers.
ginavance
February 21, 2010Ask more; assume less. The feminine in women and in yourself requires the quest. Check in, with your own soul and emotional nature before you move; check in with me and my soul and emotional nature before making a move. Don't decide for me, then resent me because you have failed to please me. Find your courage and learn to cultivate it so you may quest successfully along with me, because dominating, controlling and possessing me will never satisfy you. And you, pointing to me as your source of dissatisfaction is not an act of courage or power or control.
Jayson
February 21, 2010that goes without saying. Try some anyway as if you are giving it the person you love or hate the most
michaelvladeck
February 22, 2010Look at all the thoughts/beliefs that come up in your mind when you think of not needing support – and when you truly FEEL into them, how much fear is hiding under those beliefs; and do you even know for a fact that those beliefs are true? Reach out!
Michael Vladeck, 36
Boulder, CO
Jo Della Penna
February 23, 2010My constructive feedback – Take responsibility for your own life – step out of what others expect of you and step into what YOU want from life. There are women (me included) that admire men who lead their life and business without egotism, and with strong confidence, clarity and COMPASSION.
Sandy Scotland, 19, Toronto
February 24, 2010My constructive feedback for men is to stop posturing and realize that owning and expressing (without collapsing) ALL emotions is part of being a man!
Bryan Bayer
February 27, 2010My constructive feedback for men is to find the sweet spot between Compassion and Rigor
salsayvonne
February 27, 2010For Men: Do you just not SEE me? ;if you did you would know me. If you knew me, you would love me. Be honest and know what you want; please don't play games.
Graham Phoenix
February 28, 2010My constructive feedback for MEN is to be confident in your own power, be certain of your role and always, always remain present.
Michelle
March 11, 2010My constructive feedback for MEN is….Open the door to vulnerability and feel love flow in,
IAN
March 12, 2010My constructive feedback for MEN is….
Breathe..breathe deep..practise dropping out of your head (thinkingness) and get into your body (feelingness)…feel your feet on the ground connected, feel where your tight in the body and breathe through it until it loosens..then FEEL into your world and its women as they ARE and watch the magic.
riccolclough
April 21, 2010I am a man who loves, cherishes, feels blessed, over the moon about having a male mate I can be vunerable with and discuss my deepest joys and fears with honesty and integrity.
riccolclough
April 22, 2010I am a man who loves, cherishes, feels blessed, over the moon about having a male mate I can be vunerable with and discuss my deepest joys and fears with honesty and integrity.
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