Virgin Wings and my New Guru

Photo by Josh Levin

Been a while for sure.

I continue to get stripped down by Life.  The dying process is nearly over (I think–famous last words).

I’ve spent the last year dying and then dying some more.

It’s all very helpful.

My whole orientation is fresh, new, unfamiliar, tentative, like I have new, soaking wet, virgin wings, uncertain of how to fly, but willing to flap.

I feel tired from the dying process. Worn out, beaten up, exhausted.

I have no more gas to do things the “old” way (my habitual neurotic 3-ness)

Exhaustion is an understatement.

38 years of push, drive, and willing my way through life.

On top of that, two plus years of parenting one, now two, little tiny kids. Sleep deprivation and non-stop parenting while being a devoted husband and going through the biggest rite-of-passage of my life for over a year now.

So my tank is beyond empty, but, I’ve been known to run on fumes before, and I won’t be surprised if I try and push my tired old car a little farther.

The great thing about an empty tank is that I am open to receive now.

What a concept–receiving.

In addition to running on empty, I have been choosing for many months now, not to read any books or listen to any MP3’s by teachers of any kind. Last fall, I told my main mentor, “thanks for taking me to the edge of the forest, now I must do the next part alone.”  I even left my men’s group after 6 amazing years! I haven’t even sipped the sacred tea of Ayahuasca for over seven months.

Me and the enchanted, uncharted forest.

My main guru now is…..

<<<my own experience>>>>

It’s terrifying really.

But what does that mean “my own experience is my guru.”

Well, I have spoken about this for years but I see how I was giving this lip service in an old blog post. Ouch.

I’m now learning, and more importantly experiencing, what it really means to trust my experience. I understand that having no formal teachers right now might be a phase but it feels so absolutely right on for me.

My prayer everyday is to help me deepen my trust in myself and what I know deep within me.

And…the emerging light is coming. I can feel it and taste it.

A new vision is coming through and I am eager to share it in a new way.

In the past, I would have “shot my load” in a very premature ejaculation-kinda-way.  And, I would have done it months ago and it would have had the same result it always has had—disappointment.

Now though, I keep remembering to relax, there is no rush. Keep listening, keep receiving. I can take my time making love to Life and being made love to by Life.

I can practice trusting the divine timing of things, the natural way.

I’m giving birth to some wonderful new work that inspires me deeply. Work that has new life force slowly seeping into my veins, despite my utter exhaustion.

I’m rolling out a whole new website in the coming weeks as well as some fun new events.

What’s the main theme?

<<<Relationship>>>

Specifically, the practice of relationship and intimacy.

Funny enough, everyone, everyone I meet and am “in relationship with” is a teacher for me. Interesting.

Stay tuned for much, much more…