Turning 40

photo by Joshua Levin

Whew. I just crossed the 40 year mark in my life. A powerful weekend with friends and family.

Friday night I participated in a mushroom ceremony with a couple of very close brothers. We sat together in a tipi around a fire late into the night. All night we dove into the mystery together; exploring life, death, fear, and our relationships with each other, while we prayed our deepest prayers. It was beautiful.

I spent the days with my family at home and by the river, relaxing into the magic of my life while my wife supported me as I wrestled with my money fears.

Saturday night I had 20 friends come to our house to celebrate me. We partied, then sat in a circle for two hours as they shared the impact I have had on them. Then, I stayed up way too late with three other men as we continued to ponder each moment together and how we experience one another.

The value of this was two-fold: 1) To practice receiving love—a big edge for me. And 2) my community helped me see myself more clearly. By sharing their impact and perceptions of me, I am able to try on new, clarifying ways of being.

For example, up until weekend, whenever someone told me how serious I was, I got triggered. The message they had for me was “hey lighten up, relax, stop being so hard on yourself or serious.” In other words, I’d prefer you be this way not that way so that I can feel less uncomfortable around you.  Ouch. However, this crucial judgment of me showed me that this is an area where I’m still judging and not loving myself. Ah ha, the real issue! So, I can create a new strategy in order for you to be more okay with me (no thanks), or I can just love myself however serious and intense I am. Boom.

Then I got from another friend that they don’t see seriousness, they see how much I joy I feel when I’m growing and transforming. This last piece helped me love myself even more around how serious and happy I am about the human awakening journey. Clear. Joy. Yes.

Some other reflections I received included my fierce commitment to the truth, my willingness to share honest feedback with close friends, my ongoing relentless commitment to the Path, my humor, and my amazing devotion to fatherhood, family and parenting. It was a lot to take in.

The next day I opened a gift from a couple that put it all into place. They gave me an incredible elder spear/staff. It was unreal and marks that at 40, however young or old that is, I’m stepping into elderhood. The practice will be to walk as an elder with humility, respect, and grace.

I’m deeply grateful to my friends and family who continue to show up for me. I am grateful for this human journey and to my parents who made it all possible. And lastly, I’m grateful to you, the reader who has been with me on this ride the past several years. Thank you for the ongoing comments and emails of support and encouragement. Thanks to those that judge me as it continues to help me deepen into self-love and self-trust.

So, here’s to dying to who I am and loving every second of it.

photo by Joshua Levin