The Value of Clearing Conflict with Your Partner

If a couple wants to unlock their relationship potential, and really deepen over time, they need to clear the decks and get to zero. Zero means nothing is under the rug, no more hiding, and all resentments and withholds are aired and cleared. Otherwise, they spend time getting tripped up by all the baggage that never got finished. Once a couple can burn it all to the ground and get to zero, they can actually see each other. Oh, there you are! Here I am! Wow! But in order to do this, there has to be inspiration, hunger, longing, desire. Or maybe loads of pain?

In trying to make a big shift though, we might find that our early attachment wounds and relationship hurts keep us in a state of ambivalence, fear, or lack of desire. So, we stay stuck, complacently sweeping our pain under the rug. Or we might think we can’t get to a zero. We might think we don’t deserve it. We believe lies about our worth and lovability and we fail to see how beautiful we are so we “settle.” We might have no idea about what’s possible. Or we stay in our habitual fog and call it a zero. Patterns and justifications arise, no doubt. We all find ways, both conscious and unconscious to avoid loving ourselves and each other. It seems to be human nature. And to me, this is the exciting frontier of long-term partnership—where we can see it as a path, a journey, a wild ride back home to

photo by chicago art department, creative commons, flickr

who we really are.

Yes, it can be a long, winding road with many twists and turns. Sometimes it’s a circus and sometimes a ghost town. And, the only dead-ends ironically, are inside of me and where I’m blocked.

But love appears to be limitless. And some of us, like me, are neophytes on the path. Getting to zero might take us an entire lifetime or a few weeks or years. But what else is there? Why not explore my barriers to love and greater intimacy? Why not explore all of my heart and come to know its vulnerable landscape, no matter how long it takes me? And, if we choose to go for zero, let’s embrace the waves that take us there.

I’m up for the ride. I’m down. I’m in.