Self Knowledge Is The Central Pillar Of A Great Relationship

Years ago I read a J. Krishnamurti book. The first sentence read, “Self knowledge is the cornerstone of freedom.”

It stuck with me from that day forward.

Today as I reflect upon it, it still rings true to me, that self knowledge is one key to your own personal freedom and fulfillment, particularly when it comes to long-term relationship.

Another distinction between a wounded couple and a power couple is that the wounded couple doesn’t know itself. One or both parties are stuck in a victim stance and blame.

The way out of the victim seat is to know yourself deeply. And if you dig far enough, you’ll find that you are in fact, not a victim.

Okay, so what does “self knowledge” mean and how do you know if you really “know yourself?”

Over the years I have heard many people report, “I know myself.”

I remember saying that in my teens and early 20’s with gusto, and I had no idea what I was talking about. The truth is I didn’t know myself then and in a way I still don’t. In fact, I’m an ocean of possibility. There are aspects to my psychology and to my essence that I have yet to explore. They remain “unconscious” to me.

So, knowing oneself is not a fixed destination you arrive at one day, where you plant your flag in your spot, buy your house you live in forever, drive the same car to the same job and then kick your feet up to your nightly ritual of TV.

Nor is knowing yourself a spiritual place of enlightenment where you stop growing because you’ve reached the summit.

 

There is no summit.

 

Let’s make it very simple.

Self knowledge is merely a tool to improve your relationships.

 

In fact, self-knowledge is the central pillar of the 7 pillars to relationship and marriage success.

Therefore, the more you know yourself, the better relationships you will have.

Without this central pillar, your marriage ship will have a gaping hole in the foundation and any attempts to move forward will be met with you bailing out water from your sinking boat.

 

The deepest, most self-aware people I know have the most interesting and inspiring relationships.

 

Their vessel is sea worthy. It’s designed to withstand the ultimate storms you will face.

But why do you not want to explore yourself further?

The same reason you get stuck in your marriage, or your family relationships:

Fear.

You are afraid.

 

Afraid of what you may find…

…afraid that you may “lose it.”

…afraid that you might fail.

…afraid that you might find out something horrible and not be up for your marriage anymore…

…and on and on…

When you are afraid, you seek comfort and you stay frozen in habits and patterns.

The comfort seeking person has no real desire to change, nor much motivation to do so, and so will stay stuck in a holding pattern.

For men and women who want to find true love however, you will find it I can assure you.

You will find the love you are looking for.

But it’s not the fantasy you read about.

It’s much deeper.

And, the more you know YOU, the deeper your love gets.

Self knowledge can only be known through deep self-inquiry and experienced in relationship with Other. If you are not able to identify what you are feeling or experiencing in any given moment, chances are you don’t know yourself very well and could use some tools or guidance getting you in tune with yourself.

But How and with What Tools?

To experience true freedom, we do need a map and tools. Krishnamurti was all about going it alone and not relying upon churches, institutions, spiritual teachers, mentors or even books. The tool he used? Like many philosophers he used his mind and his thoughts. These are fine. But for most folks like you and me, we need a few more tools.

Good news. I have a map and tools for you. Check that out here.

In the meantime, Here are 4 more tools toward more Self Knowledge:

  • Solitude to self-reflect, meditate and contemplate your own state of mind. Learn to sit quietly with yourself and just watch the display in your mind as well as in your body. Become a curious observer of yourself. More on solitude here.
  • Self inquiry–ask yourself tough questions in any given interaction. Look into Dr. DemartiniByron Katie, Krishnamurti, & yes, Eckhart Tolle. These teachers emphasize self-inquiry.
  • Find A mentor. Hire a Coach. Hire a good therapist.
  • Community–Read more on community here.

Krishnamurti says that if you and I want to solve the worlds problems, we need to recognize that “you and I are the problem, and not the world, because the world is the projection of ourselves. The world is not separate from us; we are the world , and our problems are the world’s problems….The creator of this mischief… is you and I, not the world as we think of it.”

Gandhi and Eckhart Tolle seems to agree by saying, “Be the change you want to see in the world,” and  “The world can only change from within.”

So, take a look in the mirror and get to know that face and more importantly what, and who, is behind it and I can guarantee you that your marriage will improve and strengthen over time.

As always, I welcome your comments

20 Comments

  • Bruce Kunkel

    Reply Reply April 29, 2009

    nice read… the evolving epistemological cloud of self

  • Campbell

    Reply Reply April 30, 2009

    Dude, I’m a tree. Growth, change – hang it in the wind with a smile on. Yah! Anyone else? Pour some miracle grow – stillness, wilderness, love, music whiskey burgers, sleep.

  • Seth Simonds

    Reply Reply May 1, 2009

    Hi Jayson,

    When I was…perhaps 12…a family friend I respect very much told me that the secret to life was to, “be true to yourself”. I knew it was lacking something but couldn’t put my finger on what. Now that I understand that one must know something before it’s possible to be true to it, the adage has become actionable.

    It can be a painful process.But the pain is mostly in the preconceptions. I’ve never known self-discovery to be as terrifying after completion as I’d imagined it before I took the leap.

    But I guess most of life is like that, eh?

    Take care!

  • Grace

    Reply Reply May 1, 2009

    Hmmm.

    You might also want to look at Adyashanti’s work: http://www.adyashanti.org Pretty amazing stuff.

    Is it really an understanding that we come to? I’m not sure. Perhaps it’s more of a non-understanding. I’m not trying to be flippant or cute here.

    Understanding is about the mind. What you’re talking about is beyond mind. Language falls apart; it can’t cope, because it’s mental.

    Seth’s right: the pain lies in the stories the mind tells itself. The reality – if we can come to face it, to be it – is … well! What is it, then? 🙂 I’d say it’s for each of us to experience. Or not. But that’s an individual choice, and no harm, no foul, to wherever you’re at and whatever you choose to look at.

    Interesting post; thank you!

    • Anonymous

      Reply Reply May 1, 2009

      Seth and Grace,
      you broth bring up great points. I heard the same thing when I was young. But missed out on the “knowing” part and had no guides to help me along.

      Yes, Adyashanti’s work is amazing. I’m slightly familiar with him as I have friends in his community. He is so clear and honest. Language is too limited and mental, but in this relative reality I live in, it can be the gateway in.

      Thanks!

  • Mitch

    Reply Reply May 7, 2009

    Great Post I love your site. It challenges me every day to push myself

  • Chris Taylor

    Reply Reply June 26, 2009

    Jayson,
    thanks for pointing out this powerful teacher and his message. I had fun reading into his J. Krishnamurti’s wikipedia bio. I am ever more inspired to investigate who I am and how I am living in this world. This post reminded me that we tend to gravitate toward our comfort zones and that you have to really, really want to work and grow your self-knowledge, inner peace, and freedom.
    I have recently been very inspired by the work of byron katie and eckhart tolle and i love to see you suggesting their work.

    Grace,
    thanks for suggesting Adyashanti’s work and website.

    • jayson

      Reply Reply June 29, 2009

      Chris, You are most welcome. Keep me posted with your journey and know that me and this site will be here for you to ask questions and share your tremendous wisdom and heart.

      J

  • joanne

    Reply Reply April 12, 2010

    i just wanted to say i think all uve said is brilliant and i totally agree with ur thoughts and opinions. i hope your well.

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  • Bjsatinstaller

    Reply Reply August 19, 2011

    life is an exchange of endless information between everything in existance control was never 
    meant to intervene we find our selves trying to hold onto what we can control and closing
    our minds to that which we cant we have become complacent with routine, life on the other
    hand is constantly changing the rules and we try to keep changing them back.fear has become our spiritual guide

    • Jayson

      Reply Reply August 23, 2011

      interesting. can you say more about your own life or personal experience with yourself?

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