Is Men’s Work Dying? Or Does it Just Need an Extreme Makeover?

Marc Quinn, David Chang, & David Cates, post EMC

For me, the term “Men’s work” is dead. For others it’s still alive and well.

WTF? Seriously? C’mon, I just let go of another identity a few months back. Again? Yup, more personal shedding what no longer serves.

This past weekend 40 men’s leaders and 6 women answered the call to be a part of the Evolving Men’s Conference. The context? Some of us thought it was to “evolve masculinity.” For others, the hope was to plan a bigger conference next year. Others didn’t know what the context was.

I visioned this conference with a few very bold expectations (the other men had their own wants as well, some the same, some different. These were just mine).

1. I wanted to get male leaders to collaborate.
2. Originally I wanted a bigger conference in 2011 but many folks told me to drop this pre-conference and see what the other men wanted. I acquiesced.
3. I wanted to have us birth a single, new masculine paradigm that we could all rally around and get behind.
4. I wanted us to evolve masculinity in a tangible way.
5. I wanted women to help us with this bold agenda.
6. I wanted to share how the deep feminine would be pivotal in the new masculine way moving forward.

Number 1 and 5 were the only expectations that were met. The rest were dropped. As Bill Harryman said in an email to me: “it wasn’t at all what I wanted or expected, but it was EXACTLY what I needed.” And further, I would add, I think almost everyone received what they needed, and not necessarily what they wanted.

We had lively discussions about the masculine and feminine within us and outside of us. We engaged in conflict, told the truth, held back, cried, laughed, danced, listened deeply, co-created, did business, and finally took some action.

What emerged was far better than what I had hoped for.  Without giving you the blow by blow, here are some highlights and what I believe is emerging:

1. Men’s work is dead. The old way we have been doing and selling men’s work is toast and no longer sustainable. Some men will continue to “do men’s work” and even call it that. For me, the associations are too linked to the past of “wound worship” and drama.  Men’s work has been synonymous with support, therapy, and other “wimpy” stuff most men simply don’t buy, nor are they interested in hearing about it.

Moving forward, most of the men there will be “selling” their product and services with a lot more awareness (see below). To me, this is a huge win because ultimately it will mean more men are drawn to inner work through channels and subjects that actually interest them.

Whether or not men’s work continues, remains to be seen.

2. Many seeds were planted instead of one. Instead of birthing a monolithic new paradigm about masculinity that we should all follow or rally behind, what came forth was many men carrying their own inspiration to follow what matters most to them!  No one single vision emerged. Several themes emerged that I believe will see some follow through. For example, reaching men through fatherhood, creative entrepreneurship, networking business events, and a global men’s network.

One highly charged break-out group discussed masculinity, privilege, and culture in depth and there may be more that comes from that conversation.

3. Telling the truth by being oneself. Most men did agree that transparency outside of “men’s weekends” and the privacy of their own home is a good edge to explore. Being truly genuine, off-line and online all the time, is what will show men that it’s okay to tell the truth. I trust it will give more and more men “permission” to be honest about their real life challenges. We must make it compelling by demonstrating in public that we can be super honest about our lives—the highs and the lows without coming across as wounded or broken.

By not talking about ourselves in an honest way all the time, we continue to give our parents and our culture power over us.  If we subscribe to the notion that “it’s personal and private” we rob others the opportunity to know and even consider that it’s okay to talk about what is really going on.  When men see another man “being real” and opening up, it invites and inspires him to do the same.

For example, I had my own personal process that was quite intense. I raged, I screamed, I cried. For better or worse, it opened the door for other men to do the same during the conference.

4. Including women. By including women in this weekend, most of the men realized the shear wisdom and value of having our sisters help us move forward both together and separately. Women are a critical part of men expanding and the women at our conference held up the mirror with grace and deep support. Morever, men must realize that women still have the purchasing power in this country. Many men come to find men’s work through the women in their life. Without women, we are sunk.

5. Being okay with not having a clue. Having several men, many of whom were elders who have done men’s work for many years say by the end of the conference, “I don’t know anything” was a big shift. For the older generation of men to embrace the new and to embrace the unknown is the necessary open door for whatever needs to emerge next.

6. Basic marketing. Throughout the weekend, all of us were challenged to drop the touchy-feely, spiritual jargon that we use to “sell” our products and services and instead repurpose our language in order to meet men where they are at with their genuine wants and desires rather than what we think they need (marketing 101). Using “men’s work” to help men open their eyes, simply does not work. Basic market research of everyday men interested in our unique niche will be a critical step moving forward. To assume that I think I know what men want or need is simply naïve of me.

For example, Seth Braun and Marc Quinn are looking to reach men through creative entrepreneurship and helping men implement their life’s purpose successfully by learning how to be an entrepreneur.

7. Global Men’s Network. This is quite possibly the most far-reaching outcome of the weekend and what the Evolving Men’s Conference may morph into. Christopher Kyle, perhaps myself, and a few other men are committed to taking on a large umbrella organization that could oversee men’s organizations and perhaps each year may hold a men’s leadership council to collaborate and share best practices, leverage collective wisdom, and to further the consciousness of men everywhere.

8. Collaboration. I learned that collaboration is hard and it takes some effort. I understand why sometimes I would rather work alone. Going it alone can seem easier at times. I began planning this conference last winter and enlisted a team to collaborate with me. The facilitation team of 7 men that slowly assembled was extraordinary.  I’ve never facilitated anything with seven other men. By the end, we were like family.  As the weekend wore on, the facilitation team grew to include several other men eager to contribute.  Over ten of us ended up steering the large group and other leaders drove their conversations in smaller groups.

It really took letting go of the reins and opening up to other strong minds and hearts to allow seven-ten of us to complete the weekend. This was frustrating for some. One man commented that there were too many cooks in the kitchen. Another man thought the facilitation sucked and that he could do a far better job. For me, in the end, I think we kicked ass and I was trusting that what was happening was right on, however imperfect and sloppy we were at times. We modeled collaboration among men quite well!

That’s about it! I’m sure other men had other insights, so please share below if you were there. Or, send me over what you got and I can add it here. I will also post this on the EMC webiste.

Men gathering in circle will never die. Men coming together to heal, laugh, fart, cry, and rage consciously is one of the most powerful forms of communication, listening, and witnessing that I am aware of. We men will always do this. How we open our circles to new men is the issue and I am prepared to let go of men’s work as I know it in order to do that.

And, stay tuned for what is emerging and new for me personally. I am going to let this one burn for a while, then see what arises from the ashes.