When trying to end a relationship, guys will often say something like, “You deserve better than me.”
This pre-breakup statement is a cop-out. I know because I used to make it all the time. Men who say this have left a few things unexamined…
First, you’re in her space.
Get back in your own space.
Second, this is an insult to her. Why? Because you are assuming you know what’s best for her. Telling her what she deserves and what she doesn’t deserve isn’t your place.
Show her more respect and trust she can take care of herself, even if she may be acting like she can’t.
Third, by saying this, you get to avoid taking responsibility for your fear and insecurities. Investigate what drives this kind of statement. Get outside help to see what you are not seeing.
Fourth, you are putting yourself down. Find a way to walk taller than this. Somewhere inside, you’re a badass. Learn to own and embrace your awesomeness.
If you judge yourself in a relationship, do something about it so you feel good about how you show up in a partnership.
As an alternative, take more responsibility and try saying things like, “I’m scared and not able to commit right now.” “I feel like I’ve reached my limit for intimacy and need a break.” “I doubt myself in a relationship.” “I think you should be the one to move on because if I end this I’m too scared to hurt your feelings, feel uncomfortable myself, and thus be judged as the bad guy.”
By taking the attention off her and putting it on yourself, you can start to get under what is likely a habitual pattern or block in the relationship.
C’mon fellahs, you can do this…
10 Comments
julie
September 20, 2013‘You deserve better than me” sounds like the male version of what gals say, “It’s not you…it’s me.” Do you really think the orator believes what he/she is saying? Sounds like two gentler versions of, “I’m just not into you.”
Kei
June 7, 2014BS. I gave someone this line. You know why?
She did deserve better. I wasn’t willing to commit to her and she deserved someone who did. Why would anyone want their partner to stay out of pity?
Renee Wade
December 11, 2014Hi Jayson,
It surely is a possible sign that the man doesn’t want to step up and take responsibility.
Also, when a man says this – it’s possible that what he’s really saying is; “I don’t feel that there is enough (emotional) attraction and connection in the relationship”.
Or he could really be saying: “I don’t feel like I’m enough and I can’t be in relationship right now because of that.”
What are your thoughts?
– Renee.
Jayson
December 27, 2014Renee,
In my experience, a dude rarely says this if he’s not feeling the connection or attraction. That’s another subtle way he’s making her wrong. While he might convince himself of that being the reason, there’s most often more to the story. Typically, he’s got a fear of commitment, which is a sign of a fear of intimacy. And, if we dig deep enough we find the real fear driving him.
Grace
December 26, 2014In a twist on this statement, my boyfriend of two years (living together for one year), has said to me, in response to my asking why he avoids having sex with me, has said, and I quote: “I don’t know honey, I’ve had better”. Stunned and shocked. This from a man I love deeply and whom I thought loved me, in all ways a seemingly kind and lovely man – out of the bedroom. However he constantly watches porn behind my back, explaining “men are visually stimulated”, which I take to mean ‘you don’t look attractive to me’. He has said “I’m not attracted to you’ also and says he was initially but “it waned” and “it was never strong”.
What kind of man am I dealing with? Stunned, shocked and hurt deeply. No apology forthcoming.
He will not go to couples counselling or therapy with me, or discuss it. He just stares silently at me when I try to discuss this. He says he will not sit in front of a counsellor and say hurtful things to me.
n
January 5, 2015Grace – I empathize with you. I lived the same issue (without the same kind of upfront verbal defence your boyfriend is giving you) and Jayson is completely right – he has deep seeded fear of intimacy, hence the porn. It nearly destroyed me to find out I was in love with something that wasn’t real. It took a lot to end the “relationship”. but when that relationship is one-sided, you are not IN a relationship, you are not truly relating. If it is not making you feel respected, you deserve to offer better to yourself. My ex didn’t want to go to couple counselling either, because he didn’t want to give up the porn (one way of how he dealt with his depression). It continued to put more distance between us, and there was nothing I could do to change anything. So I stopped trying to control him. I left. 2 years later, I am free and achieving my own potential in so many ways. I wish you strength and courage. And there is a great book that helped me: “Codependency No More”
Aj
August 23, 2015One of the reasons could be that he isn’t capable enough to keep her happy providing her a lifestyle that she deserves ,she should be with someone who can provide her a better life..so in short he doesn’t want her life to be ruined
jadis
November 22, 2015my boyfriend who we haven’t seen each other for over two years said this to me…it felt like he was being honest and that something I value in life… he is very into high life and seem reluctant to leave it which made it look like he made his decision… he then said he thinks we are better as friends because we are always that way then when i asked if thats something he wants he said no….I do not understand this
Stephen
March 14, 2017I gave my girlfriend everything all my love, my heart, my body, my soul and she hurt me over and over again till I finally had enough. I left her but after a short while I discovered she’s with someone else and it was tearing me apart that i could not endure it but to find a solution which i did by contacting a man named Dr.Mack by his email address dr.mac@yahoo. com, after 3 days, my relationship was resolved, my girlfriend is mine again and she is never gonna leave again, i am so excited
Stephen. Louisiana
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