Today I felt the most shut down I’ve felt in months.
I mean super shut down (due to a combination of factors and triggers).
I’m mostly on the other side now, but I had to go work with myself in nature for a bit. Thank God I have incredible tools. *relief*.
The feeling of being shut down is strangely comfortable even though it’s also miserable at the same time. Comfortable because I spent many, many years, very shut down and emotionally jammed up and I’m simply used to it.
Miserable because of the impact on those I love the most—my wife, kids, and myself. The misery is palpable. When I used to be shut down, like I was today, I don’t even want to be inside my skin.
My face is tight and hurts.
My affect is flat, numb, non-respondent.
My mind is muted and distant.
It’s like a deadzone and I’m far away, hard to reach.
Back in the day, shut down was my go-to emotional state.
And, since I had no idea how to really deal with myself, I would just go drink, get high, jerk off, or go do some extreme sport to take the edge off. I never dealt. My girlfriends at the time often made it about them, and so did I.
I know, lame right?
If you are dating a shut down man like I used to be, this could be part of what’s going on inside his head…
The saddest part of this is how many men are completely shut down, day after day after day. Like my former self, they have no tools and no support, nor do they want any.
Many don’t even know that it could be different.
Their conditioning has imprisoned them. And, the ones that do want help, might not seek support because that’s “fucking weak”. Then, these angry, shut down men get blamed, shamed, and made wrong by many of us do-gooders. “Why are men today so….?” Or “Men are so ________.” I have to look at the ways I have colluded with the machine around how men are “made” (i.e. indoctrinated), into manhood.
I have to look at the ways I have colluded with the machine around how men are “made” (i.e. indoctrinated), into manhood. In other words, where have I participated in stuffing them in an outdated gender box?
If you are a woman dating this guy, you understandably want your man to get his shit together and deal. Even more important is that you just want a good heart connection with him.
You sense he’s in pain, but are not sure how to help.
You know there’s more going on than “I’m fine” right?
Trust yourself there and your senses. You are onto him. His big heart is in there somewhere.
And if you want in, then be careful about your judgments of him. Next time you find yourself judging some shutdown jerk-male like I used to be (or was today), take a closer look. He’s probably in severe pain and has no idea how to get out.
Blame and shame can put him further inside with a shorter fuse. Like a scared little boy, the dude needs boundaries, compassion, understanding, and listening.
Then perhaps, once he’s semi-open and sort of listening, you can give him a metaphorical loving kick in the ass.
22 Comments
Kirk
July 16, 2013Well said.
In the past, ‘veg out’ was a constant part of my vocabulary. Compulsive reading, video games, movies and porn served as my escape, ultimately doing additional harm on top of the issue from which I was seeking relief.
Even though I’ve come a long way and rarely use those words now, I fall into the same trap from time to time. Thanks for sharing, for encourage me to look again within.
Riesah
August 11, 2013Dear Jayson,
I cannot tell you how much I appreciate your courage and honesty. Truly, this is how you have become the fine leader you are, the man other men can go to to learn from. Your willingness to go deep, to say how it really is without any bs is so refreshing and heartwarming to me, a woman, a person.
With gratitude,
Riesah
Jayson
August 12, 2013thanks for the kind regards.
Grumble
October 28, 2013Hi Jayson,
Read your post and thought you may be the right person to ask this. MY BF has shut down. We had a great relationship, he is a good guy, truly. He is ACOA and in AA (11 years sober). He said, “everything was good and then a light switch went off and I stopped feeling the same for you and I’ve shut down” – I am gutted. We were getting closer and closer and the last month I can see now that he was nitpicking, and we had a big argument about my jealousy. I honestly believe he was in love with me and can’t handle it and I triggered him of his past trauma in that argument. He genuinelly has no idea what’s happened. He is going to a therapist, more AA meetings, talking to his sponsor every day. He knows this is his issues, says it’s nothing to do with me and that he just can’t be emotionally there until he figures his stuff out. I know he cares deeply for me but my insecurity is about “I feel differently” for you. Is this something you’ve been through? What can I expect?
Jayson
October 29, 2013he’s simply scared. it’s his to face. nothing you can do but love him. if you don’t feel him reciprocate over time, move on. get curious about all the ways you get scared too and work on those in yourself.
Grumble
November 1, 2013Thank you for your response Jayson. The trauma he’s had in his life is awful and I just want to hold him close. I know I cannot fix him, but it’s hard to stand back when he’s excluded me from his life – hopefully for now. I will wait and I know there are no guarantees and I’m working on my stuff – including vulnerability and not being reactionary. This is my journey too. I love your blog/site. It’s very insightful.
joanna
March 4, 2014i need help, my boyfriend who i love very much is emotionally shut down from years of having no support system, no close relationships, no one to talk to. i want to be there to help him open up, because hes been this way for so long he knows no other way to be. its very hard on our relationship and on him. i just want to be able to help him open up, i need to learn the skills and tools to assist him in change.
Jayson
March 5, 2014it’s not your job to change him. perhaps it’s time to love yourself enough and move on.
Jayson
March 5, 2014can i use your comment to do a video on the subject?
Eliza
August 29, 2014been there. walk away. it’s not your work to do. if he’s not willing or able to to do the work you can’t support or force or cajole, etc …
in fact I think it’s a “needs to hit bottom” first usually. let him falter. it’s sad but I’ve proved it over and over in my relationships. I’m done trying.
denise
March 11, 2015how to let a man know you are there for him. to help him break down his walls. and that i do deserve him. (he thinks i deserve better than him because he is sick eyc)
Juana
May 5, 2015I recently break up with my two-year BF. I broke the relationship because we had a huge argument and took a week to think things…. After that week I told him I needed more from him, less barriers, less shutdown… More commitment… His answer was ” You know what you want from the relationship… I don’t know… I need time to think what I want, to live what I haven’t lived for two years and to figure out if you are THE ONE”…. I’m heart broken since I invested a lot in the relationship and the worst is that I feel that there is no real closure… Its open for him to come back… And I don’t know how to start walking away without expecting him to come back any time… I just want to move on and be happy again
christina
May 26, 2015Hi Jayson, I enjoy your insight! Have you considered or come across any work with men who suffer, or rather their partner suffers, with High Functioning Asperger’s? These men look great on the surface, usually smart, holding a technical job such as engineer or IT. They are very devoted to their mothers although you won’t generally see any affection between them. They are very likable because they usually don’t have an ego. Although there are some that will not hold a job, most are very provisionary and hyper responsible. He will typically not be a goal setter. Once he has attained his dream job he will settle in for life. He will typically have one obsessive interest that can be anything he latched onto as a boy. And he will spend exorbitant amounts of time on it to the detriment of his relationships. You will feel like a compartmentalised addendum to his world and not part of a whole. Chances are he cannot read nonverbal communication, will not mature sexually beyond adolescence and suffer lifelong premature ejaculation and be perfectly alright with it if you never say anything. He can be kind or fly off the handle at the slightest trigger. He may not have an inner world of imagination, creativity or even dreams. He prefers his life secure and controlled and doesn’t handle change well at all. He lives in a glass ball that you can never enter and you will lose all colour in your world. Research Casaundra Syndrome and Asperger’s for more information. It will usually take a woman years to come to this realization. By then you have built a life with him and birthed his children. You cannot just walk away from it all, though every day you will wish you had.
Malin
October 8, 2015ahhh.. so good to read about this from a mans perspective!!
Me and my boyfriend is now in our 15th month together, and he’s been shutting down more and more for the last 6 months.
Just got your first advice e-mail, and part of me know and agree with what you write, but it’s SO hard to do it!! My body is screaming for something to change. I think that for love to last over time, something has to be done. It doesn’t happen all by itself. But men in general seems to be unvilling to lift a finger to change anything about their behaviour or do even the smallest thing that doesn’t come completely natural to them..
It’s super hard for me to withdraw my energy and my focus on him, when all my alarmclocsk are going off because of abandoment traumas. But I know that’s one thing -I- need to do here, for sure…I just really wish we could work together..
Is it only us women who is going to do the work, is what I wonder… Is it always us who has to walk first, and clear out the dirt, and then wait to see if they’ll come crawling after?
Gen
January 10, 2016Hello,
I stumbled on this post while googling how to help my boyfriend who is currently laying on the couch pretending that nothing exists, or something. I have been with him for over 4 years now, and have known that he shuts down like this since the first year. Every time he shuts down (and by that I mean he will not respond verbally to me, he won’t look at me, all he does is look at his phone or lay there) I get this panic feeling, not just because I’m scared he might not want me anymore, but I’m scared that I might be the one causing this and maybe he needs to be either with someone else or at least just not with me. I have invested so much time into this relationship, and I honestly have planned my life around it for so long, I don’t want to just give it up. I want to marry him someday. But at the same time I’m still in my early 20’s, and if this is how it’s going to be, me never knowing if he will just shut down because I didn’t agree that spaghetti should be made with meat balls, maybe I should just try being without him?
I don’t know what to do.
Abby Dingwell
October 14, 2016I have been in a relationship with guy for 3 yrs now and he is the same way, shut down. He has told me that saying “I love you” is just a simple statement and has no commitment or expectations attached to it. He has told me time and time again that he is living his life the way he wants to and isn’t going to change for anyone. Each time I try to talk to him about things with the relationship he puts up more walls. He doesn’t think that there is a “Prince Charming” out there and has told me that he cannot be mine. We have been together for 3 yrs and have never spent one holiday together, our kids have met 2-3 times, we don’t do things all together. We recently have been talking about breaking up because these issues are a constant revolving door, we didn’t talk for a week and he wrote me a note saying how he missed me and loved me and couldn’t think about returning my things that I have at his house. I don’t want to get married or move in with him but I need more, I need to feel more like a girlfriend and less like a buddy. Is it a losing battle that I am fighting? Friend are shocked that I haven’t ended it a year ago.. it’s hard to make that break even when you know it’s the right thing to do.
Lisa
October 14, 2016I appreciate your post. My husband had been shut down emotionally for years. He now drinks way too much and it has caused a major issue in our marriage. But most recently, porn and Social Media have become an added issue in our relationship. He has become very secretive. Deleting his internet history, new password on his phone, I have caught him on Social Media that us very unusual for him and caught him searching for sex toys (all which he lies about even though I know them to be true). He says I’m insecure but I’m not…. until this all started CONSTANTLY piping up out of nowhere. He says he is not having an affair (In not sure I believe him) I do believe he is cheating in his mind though… What is going on from your perspective?
Jenn
October 18, 2016I enjoyed your post and related to it very much. My boyfriend of 2 years will shut down occasionally. I call it “going into his cave.” At first I thought it was all about me and it would bother me tremendously. I would be so upset and offended by his behavior and tell him how he was hurting me. This would make him very defensive and feel as if he couldn’t do anything right and he would retreat even further just as you say. I have talked to him about these “shut downs” and he has even said he sometimes needs to be “distant” but he doesn’t really know why. Not sure if he really doesn’t or he just didn’t want to share but it would help me to understand more if he could explain it more. I don’t think he would ever say he was “scared” about anything but perhaps this is true. I agree with your advice and try to be patient and love him instead of fighting about it and it definitely has helped me get through these periods and hopefully it has made it better for him as well. I still have difficulty dealing with it sometimes but reading your article makes me realize I have to keep giving him his space when he needs it instead of a hard time and he always comes “out of the cave” and is back to his loving, amazing self.
MicheleneSvetlik
November 3, 2016Im dealing with almost the same thing. The denial thing is making me insane! He was acting so shady and transparent i laugh at him. His phone!!! I dream up different ways to cause its demise! It has been the catalyst for most of our recent arguments! He just hides even further yet without spying or snooping i find the truth and he denies. But as with all lies while he’s defending or making excuses tiny truths slip out and he tells on himself. He gets so angry and then comes the so what statements im not having sex with her im not doing anything ect ect ect.i allowed this behavior for too long and now that im taking responsibility for my part he has found himself disarmed and his defensive reactions arent carrying any weight. That is really pissing him off. He is loosing ground quickly yet refuses to give up the ghost, we are going to have to sue att for all these people he doesn’t know and doesn’t communicate with…its ridiculous. I have gained strength and self worth finally able to state done! That guy is no longer welcome here, the man i married is the only person i will give my energy to. I clearly state this is not an ultimatum but simply this is what i am allowing to affect me and i wont be reacting nor be victim to that other guy who is only serving his selfish desires expecting me to compromise my core values and accept less than i deserve mearly to be in his company, which is not even that because hes not there. He wants men to apologize for objeting to his bad behavior. I dont respond until he comes to me as the man i married. If he continues the b.s. i calmly tell him your not welcome here please leave. If you see my man tell him he can ask me out, romance me, engage in focusing on us and spending time making memories as well as passionate love, otherwise ill be doing me! Keep in touch ill give progress reports as i remain determined to have a real relationship that fills us both with all the joy and happiness we all deserve! Life is hard enough, your partner is supposed to help lift not stomp
Jessica
January 18, 2017I need help! My boyfriend and I have what I believe to be as close to a perfect relationship it can be. We never fight and just truly enjoy each other. We recently bought a house to do and have a lot of projects so it is very exciting! Out of nowhere, like the flip of a switch, I believe he shut down. He stopped answering my messages, wouldn’t speak to me at home unless I started the conversation, and seems to never want to be home with me. We had this issue once in the very beginning when he lost his grandfather, but then I found out he was with another woman during that time. He apologized and promised it would never happen again. Things were perfect and now here I am 11 months later…I can’t help to feel that he might be cheating on me. I don’t know how to tell if he is shutting down because something going on within himself or if he is seeing someone else. Every time I ask him what is wrong he says everything is fine and he isn’t losing interest and there is no particular reason he is acting this way. What should I do?
Jessica
January 18, 2017Also, I watched your video where you said to pull my energy away. Being we live together I decided to leave and stay at my parents house for a little. He has not yet reached out to ask where I am, (being I work night shift he probably isn’t aware yet). When and if he does text me asking where I am should I reply so he knows I’m safe or not even that?
Christine
March 27, 2017So it’s been a week and a day since he asked me for space and to leave him alone after I argued and accused him for not caring. But I’ve since texted him nearly once a day to apologize and to tell him how much I truly care and love him. At the same time, I’ve also mentioned to him that I’ll wait patiently for his feedback, but I have not since heard back at all from him… Is it over? Some have told me to take this as a silent breakup, but there are also some who told me he’s a stand up guy who would at least tell me straight in my face that it’s over instead of leaving it hanging like this.
Brief background, we’ve been in a serious and committed relationship for a year and half, we’ve had our tiffs, mostly me arguing with him, but he’s always given in and spoken to me after a day or two. This is the first time ever he’s requested for space and have gone MIA for 7 days. I know he’s read my messages, and is ignoring my calls I’ve given him as much space as possible, but I’d really like to know what this means?
We’ve talked about possibly having a future together and this is all too sudden to bear.
What do I do now?
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