Deep Community

Artwork by Bryce Widom

Have you noticed lately how much talk there is around real, authentic, community? The word community is gaining momentum and it appears that many folks are ready and hungry to belong to new kind of community.

Here are some important questions for all us to consider when thinking about community:

• What does community mean?
• What kind of community do you want and what is its purpose? What end will it serve for you?
• Is a real, authentic, conscious community even possible?
• What the hell do words like “real,” “authentic” and “conscious” even mean?
• Is it possible to live in a community free of shame and guilt?
• Can we create communities where when we hurt one another (because we will), we are able to stay in relationship, clean it up, and work through our differences?

I don’t know the answers to these questions but I do have a HUGE bias coming from a relational perspective.  I’d like to hear yours below. (For example, Robert masters wrote a long-winded piece on the subject of “authentic community” that is well worth the read. Alexis Neely asks a solid question in her latest blog post here.) Share other community links please!

For the sake of this post, let’s talk about the word community as a verb, not as a noun. Because if we talk about it as a fixed destination, we might perpetuate the trap of magical thinking mentioned below. So, community is a process, much like an fertile garden, a means to an end.

We will likely be more fulfilled in our lives if we find a community that supports our deepest, truest Self, one that serves to undermine our habitual patterns, desire for approval, and other defensive games, and one that allows us to give our gifts fully. To me, this is the kind of community I am a part of and one I want others to have. I feel grateful to have found a deep community I love that that feeds me emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and socially.

In a nutshell, my community serves to help me awaken to who I really am. For now, I’m playing with the term “deep community.”

Healthy Inner Family = Deep Community?

What if a real, conscious community was an attempt to recreate an ideal family? If we are not mindful, this will likely happen. But maybe that’s not such a bad thing.

Since most of us grew up in dysfunctional families, we long (consciously and unconsciously) to be in a safe (emotionally, physically, spiritually) environment where the big talk of love actually matches the behaviors. A place where we were free to be ourselves, completely. Where we were accepted and embraced for who we are. A place beyond shame and shutting down one’s emotions or essence.

Does such a place really exist?

What if, in order to create the ideal family or community, we must first grow up the fragmented family living inside of us? In other words, if we want a functional community on the outside, we must practice each day to “clean up” the dysfunctional family on the inside.

This is certainly true in my marriage and with my two children. In order for my kids to thrive in my home and feel safe and loved, I am constantly attending to the dysfunction occurring inside of me and working to heal myself.

We also need to be mindful of the traps inherent in attempting to create an ideal community (outer family). Here are three main traps I see:

1. Magical Thinking

If we are not careful, we could answer the questions above from the perspective of child that lives within us. In other words, let’s acknowledge that the little boys and girls in us want the perfect, omniscient, safe, “place” where we feel good all the time and no one ever gets upset or hurt. Those young parts also want ideal parents that make everything safe for us. “If we only had ________ then ________.” This line of magical thinking is ultimately disempowering and a trap for ourselves and other.

We also might hope for a community free of conflict, pain, judgment and suffering. But if we look around, namely to our own experience, most of us will agree that suffering is unavoidable in life. Not only that, it’s part of what makes us human and always gives us the opportunity to grow

What if, rather than making us feel accepted or “good”, the entire point of a community is to help us become a separate, yet connected, integrated, whole human being?

And, any time we think the ideal set of circumstances will make everything okay, we are back to magical thinking.

2. Cynicism and Judgment

At the same time, if we dismiss the possibility that it is really attainable to create a conscious, sustainable, high-functioning, loving community, then we risk becoming jaded and cynical and might lose a real opportunity to be in genuine relationships for the long haul where we really are free to be ourselves, enter conflict and challenges while staying in relationship being intact, and still feel love and connection.

3. Being Rigid or Vague

Another risk of course is being so exclusive we miss the helpful mirroring people we may not like provide for us. Of course, we also get to choose who we like and who we don’t. Following the natural chemistry can make all the difference.

For example, I’m not a part of an “intentional” community, a spiritual group, or any formal group really. My community has naturally arose from years of making connections with people I have natural chemistry with. Liking and loving folks in my community is a personal preference I get to have.

For now this works wonderfully and I love my circle. At the same time, I can, and likely will, go further with my community (living together, sharing food, gardens, shared childcare, shared currency, and perhaps going completely local as consumers).

Or let’s say we don’t really know where we stand or what to do, so we become followers that get whisked away in a community that might not really serve our greater good. Or what if we are so “open” we claim we don’t need structure, a container, or accountability. Then we are back to creating fertile ground for a shadow element to take hold.

Failure inevitable unless…

Our most noble attempts will fail if the two points below are not taken into consideration. My experience is that if people are not willing or able to work out their differences, any brilliant vision will fail, people will leave feeling hurt, blamed, shamed, and egos will be bruised and shaken, and rifts will widen.

In my own community we are not living together, many of us several miles apart, but the one thing that holds us together is a shared language and a willingness to work through our inner family dynamics and our external differences.

Even though we are not living together in the community I’m a part of, my kids feel “safe” with everyone in my community to the point where I would leave my children for days with nearly every friend. That’s a good sign because the kid inside of me feels safe in the same way (inner family).

We all long to belong and be a part of a tribe, a real family where acceptance and love are actually practiced and not given lip service due to everyone’s neurotic limitations. And because of this longing, we must not expect the community to save us or make us feel better.

In conclusion, if we want to create a deep community we must:

1. See community as a verb—a living, breathing organism that is constantly changing. It is a vehicle to return to the experience of wholeness.
2. Acknowledge that we have a dysfunctional community (our inner family) living inside of us and commit to using the external community (outer family) as THE place to heal that fragmentation and become whole again.

If we strongly consider these two points as foundational, I think we’ll be well on our way.

Sure, there are hundreds of structural pieces well beyond this post, but a basic foundation is everything. Plus, I’m not the architect. I’m a relationship guy, one who helps those wanting to mature and deepen their connections thus strengthening their communities.

Your thoughts on this community stuff?