Birthing the Self

Artwork by J. Gaddis

Any serious practitioner on the spiritual path knows that in order to grow and evolve you must also die.

For some of us, that means experiencing many metaphorical deaths and re-births throughout our entire life.

Death and birth is just the way of Life.

Resisting this creates suffering. Fighting nature’s rhythms only adds more pain to the path.

In my relentless (and even neurotic at times) quest to wake up, I have experienced some of these deaths and re-births, with the latest one being the most significant to date.

And for the past many months I have experienced something very new in the midst of the death/rebirth cycle I find myself in.

Here are three key insights about what I’m learning.

Insight number 1. Freedom in the unknown

As of late, I have not been active on my blog or my email list.

I find myself at a loss for words. Not much to say, offer, or share. I am steeped in being a student right now. Listening. Listening.

I have felt very little inspiration to write. I get in front of the computer and there’s just nothing to say. Blank.

In the past I would have overridden this and forced words. Made something happen.

Instead, I’ve been cocooning, going inward, getting very quiet, and listening. Seeing a few clients here and there, running the MLT, and parenting non-stop in a chop wood carry water way.

Mostly, I’ve been experiencing a simple gratitude, a quiet emptiness, and a relaxation into this unknown phase of my life (with occasional dips into depression or tiny bites of terror). When afraid, I even slip back into magical thinking and want someone or something to save me from this blank screen.

Historically when not much is going on I would have made that wrong. But now, I’m slowly experiencing the freedom in this unknown void.

Insight number 2. Live as I parent

The other day I said to my wife after 3 weeks of being sick, “I’m not sure how to live my life from this new, emerging place.”

Her reply,

“I don’t buy that. Look at how you parent our kids.”

“What do you mean?” I replied.

“Well, you are showing up in a simple yet powerful way and you aren’t even trying. You are not trying to get anything, achieve status, or be somebody. You are just doing it. Seems pretty effortless to me. And look how our kids respond.”

“Right,” I replied. Of course. Duh.

After sitting with this some, I am realizing that I’m parenting my kids from a place of ease, relaxation, an non-doing. I am parenting my kids the way I want to live my life!

Whoah. Ding!

Now, can I translate that to my life, my relationships, my career, and offering my gifts to the world?

I know I can and will but I feel shaky with my new legs and new eyes. I’m not totally trusting myself.

Big insight number 3: I’m birthing me

As many of you know the past year has been a long, slow, often painful dying process for me. The old me struggling to gain a foothold as my old core strategies and identity no longer work.

And, as with any huge ego death always comes a birth.

I have not known what this birth is and have tried many times to fast forward the process and figure it out.

During a recent therapy session I brought in the core tension I feel between surrendering to spirit and actually doing something with myself. I hold that tension in and near my sacrum.

My therapist had her hands on my low belly and sacrum.

Boom. We both got it at the same time.

The insight came immediately.

What I’m giving birth to is… myself.

The realization that I’m giving birth to me was so simple, like a leaf dropping to the ground. It was just there, in it’s entirety, complete.

An ah ha moment that happened from deep within me.

Silly me–I had it in my mind that I was giving birth to an idea, a new brand, or some new career path.

Of course, birthing the Self also means surrendering completely to this emerging me, that is deep beyond ego.

Feels scary good.

Big changes are afoot and I stand exhausted, ready  yet apprehensive, vulnerable.

So much more to come, so little I know.