This week my son turned 10 weeks old. Overall, he’s been the biggest blessing in my life. Most new Dads don’t talk about the challenges of parenthood. Too many guys are bought in to pretending everything is okay. I learned an important lesson this week about surrender.
As an entrepreneur, I can work constantly from 7am to 9pm and everywhere in between. I’m inspired and motivated about bringing consciousness to manhood. However, I have to admit that I’m a little neurotic at times in my work ethic. I can overwork and try to “achieve” too much.
Having a new son, I had this idea that I’d still be able to work a lot and get the things done I wanted to get done. Boy did I miss the mark. My wife went back to work this week and it all came into focus. We share the parenting responsibilities so when she’s at work, I watch my boy and visa versa. I would catch myself as I tried to squeeze in work hours even while holding him. After my wife gave me some honest feedback that I was “less available” to her, it hit me.
Underneath my anxiety and neurotic work behavior was a lot of grief. I realized that the life I had prior to my son being born, is now over. The “me” that could do whatever, whenever is now gone. The more I try to ‘hang on’ to the “me” that I once new the more suffering I create for myself. The more I tried to ‘hang on’ to getting my work load accomplished, the more I was suffering.
This morning I had a beautiful connection with my son and with myself. Why? Because I let go of the need to work and get anything accomplished. I just let it all go. I found myself with my son in my lap on the rocking chair, gazing out the window, rocking together, and being grateful to be alive and have the opportunity to be there to watch him grow. Moreover, I’m now more connected to my wife.
As for work? Contrary to my own popular beliefs and neurotic work ethic, the work that truly needs to get done will get done and, when I work my commitment is to come from genuine love and inspiration as opposed to fear.
What to do?
So, I invite you to surrender your trips and find the thread that is happening right now in your life as opposed to what you want to happen. Surrender the need to get something accomplished and be with what is right now. Check in with yourself and see if you are in fear or anxiety, or stress. Notice what is driving your behavior. What is underneath your neurotic work ethic? Then take a few breaths, feel your feet, and find the inspiration. From there, act. Notice if you are more productive or less.
Then comment and share your expereience with us.
5 Comments
Duff
April 10, 2009I find that the more I surrender, the less I get done, but the more efficiently I get the important things done.
Meaningless productivity is killing the planet anyhow, so doing less is not necessarily a bad thing.
Justice Marshall
April 10, 2009Well said Duff. @Duff
Justice Marshall
April 10, 2009Your transparency about the challenges of fatherhood is appreciated.
The dance of hold on/let go is, well, a dance!
Holding an intention WITHOUT attachment to outcome is a principle that works for me.
Rock on.
jayson
April 13, 2009Thanks Men. Duff, I can relate. The illusion is that I get less done, and it’s true, I get less “filler” done, which is a good thing.
Marc M
April 13, 2009I appreciate your viewpoint Jayson.
As a father of a 6 year old and a 3 year old I often struggle with the balance of providing time to my wife, my kids, and, most importantly, me. I often shut-down and go into my “man cave” as my wife calls it. Taking time to teach them how to ride a bike or working on math flash cards is so rewarding if you just simply let go and do it. There is always time after the kids go to bed for QT with your wife and I have my hour long commute during the day to get lost in my own thoughts. Having kids is definitely a change of pace that I’m still getting used to!
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