Take Full Responsibility For Your Life

Ah, the poor me syndrome. I know this well inside myself.

I know very well the places where I have wanted someone to save me, fix me, or take my pain away.

When i’m coming from these places, I feel young, hurt, alone. I feel like a victim, and we all need the victim wants to be rescued.

Yet, if someone where to actually come in with their cape on and save the day, it would disempower me. They would do something for me and I’d have to give them credit. I don’t really want that, do you?

Of course not, I aspire to continue to grow myself up.

In my work with couples, I have a rule: No more blame.

Blame is being a victim. Blame is making it someone else’s fault for my circumstances.

That said, we are all victims and we all blame. We have all been hurt and victimized. Some of us have been abused, shamed, shut down, molested, screwed over, betrayed, taken advantage of, and shit on.

In those moments when these terrible things happened to us, we were a victim. It is critical to identify as a victim in that moment because it is true in that moment.

But later on, it can become part of our story and our mask that we wear. It is important to say something like “I was a victim then, but I am not a victim now.” Identify, then disitentify.

After the fact, pointing fingers does little to resolve what you are now sitting with.

Seeking revenge is the repeating the cycle of violence or aggression done to you. You then become the perpetrator and make someone else the victim. The way out? Relationship aikido, compassion and taking full responsibility.

For example, let’s say you were physically abused as a kid when you were 8 years old. You were hurt by bigger, stronger, older people who had control over you. You were helpless to defend yourself. You were a victim of abuse then and powerless to defend yourself.

In middle school, you were bullied by other kids. Other kids took advantage of you that were bigger, stronger and older than you. You were a victim of verbal and physical abuse. You were powerless to defend yourself.

But as you grew up, you became bigger, stronger and of course, older. You now have power you didn’t have back then. You have internal and external resources you lacked earlier in life.

Let’s say you are now 35 and work in a decent job. You’re in a challenged marriage and have financial stress. You begin to blame your partner and your job situation for how you feel.

So, as an adult, when things don’t go your way or you feel picked on by life, in your marriage, your job or your situation. You  begin to act like you acted back then. You feel hurt, taken advantage, not validated, unsupported and maybe even abused.

Why does this happen? Why do you begin to play the victim? Your current life is triggering old feelings from when you were a child. If you never developed your emotional maturity, you will keep acting like a child and stay in victimhood.

Instead of taking full responsibility for your life and your choices as an adult, you act and react like a victim. You blame. You lash out. You point fingers.

But remember, you have resources now you didn’t have back then, right?

So because your up against your past conditioning and traumas, treat this is a practice. By practicing not being a victim I take the seat of leadership. I can take charge of my life and I don’t blame others for anything.

Let’s move beyond blame and victimhood and into personal responsibility.

Signs that you are in victim or blame:

• You believe that it’s someone else’s fault
• You feel defensive and reactive
• You feel self-righteous about your story
• You convince others to take your side
• You spend a great deal of time building your case as to why you are right and someone else is wrong.
• You judge
• You resent
• Your heart is closed
• You have an excuse as to why you are not moving forward
• You believe your excuses
• You feel alone
• You feel misunderstood
• You are unwilling to take responsibility

How do I move out of victim and blaming?

*****Take full responsibility and use relationship as the way out.

But, what does this look like? When someone hurts you, own that you are hurt with “other” feel it fully and move on.

Try this practice:

1. Notice the desire to lash out, judge, and point fingers.
2. Own that you really want to lash out, judge and hurt them back.
3. Drop the story.
4. Breathe and sit with the thoughts, feelings and body sensations associated with it.
5. Feel everything fully.
6. Get back in relationship owning what you just went through.

***Remember that it can be helpful to fully identify as a victim, feel it fully and then dis-identify. Repeat above practice.