Why Boys and Grown Men Surf Porn

You are spot-on to openly discuss this taboo topic impacting men.

I hope I can contribute to discussion by recommending a post I wrote recently that will also lead you to a very helpful & Free E-Book called “Porn Again Christian” written by very progressive and culturally relevant Seattle Pastor Marc Driscoll.

Here is link at http://site.lifesworkgroup.com/blog/2008/12/26/are-you-afraid-of-excluding-people-when-you-define-your-idea.html

Thanks for great post.

Congrats for addressing this challenging topic. I’m grateful for men
who have the courage to address the use of porn (and other sexual
outlets that are energy contracting). What I offer here is my opinion
and I don’t ask anyone to believe as I do. I suggest men find their
own truth through a process of self-inquiry or with the cooperation in
working with a professional who has done his or her work.

We continue to live in the most sexually repressed society of the modern
world. The cost of that repression on both individuals and as a culture
is huge. It impacts us spiritually, emotionally, relationally,
financially and more. The problem is not ‘sex’ or even mens’ acting
out; the difficulty is in the drain of our energy, sucking life from
our purpose and
congruency as a man. As a therapist/coach, I’ve worked with men (and
women and relationships) who have found that when there is this type
of acting out, men have less energy to express to their partners (and their partners suffer)’ get triggered into shame which is the cancer
for a mans’ soul and lose their focus and purpose.

For men who choose the method of 12 step to address this issue, Sex Addicts Anonymous, Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous, SA and others…it may be the program that saves their lives and relationships. It can
work. The danger can be that men are doing a dangerous thing…repressing their sexuality…which is a repression of a core and essential energy that is vital to our life.

The ‘middle path’ of honoring the energy without acting on the compulsions is a very powerful way that works for many. It is a
journey of self discover and can create a dynamic and balanced relationship with an intimate.

I honor the men (and women) who seek recovery. It’s not recovery ‘from’ sexual acting out…it’s recover ‘to’ a full and meaningful life of total joy.

I speak from experience as a being who has been challenged by this issue; and as a being who has found the ‘middle path’. My spirituality and sexualty are married within my soul and I enjoy the most satisfying and ‘juicy’ relationship of my life. My LIFE PURPOSE is about helping our world to reclaim sexuality as a rightful place in their spiritual life. NO MORE SHAME, PAIN OR BLAME. It’s time for us to embrace the
magnificence of our gender. It is a glorious thing to be a man…especially if we live in the integrity of who we are meant to be.
blessings to all,
Ed Fell

Thanks Ed for very thoughtful perspectives. I couldn’t agree more. The challenge with 12-step programs is when a person ONLY does their step work and nothing else. I have found it’s the integration of all my work, a community of men that support me in being accountable, in integrity and love on me for who I am that makes the difference. It makes my recovery that much stronger and gives me the confidence to step into and embrace ALL of me – my shadow and my gold.

Sadly what this discussion also brings up is that not only are we among the most sexually repressed cultures in the world, it’s magnified even more for guys. A lot more is “taboo” for a man than it is for a woman. The “labels” are stronger for guys. I am all done with that and am confident we are entering an age of more and more men stepping into their wholeness – connected with their spiritual essence that is the connection with my soul. That’s the man I want to be.

Ed,
Excellent point about the “middle way.” Quitting cold turkey and doing a 12-step program might really work for some men. For others, it’s not that helpful and can add to more shame and blame.

SC, you too have an important point. This is just not a black and white issue. There is tons of gray and each man has to find his way.

My purpose here is to raise the awareness bar. Until a man is aware of something, he doesn’t feel a lot of “choice” in anything. With awareness comes choice.

I know men that consciously masturbate and feel great about it. It’s because they are willing to engage their own sexual energy and explore the natural life force that is ripping through us all the time (Per Ed’s point).

This post has brought up another huge shadow which is the porn industry and how they prey upon both men and women. Perhaps another post coming on that.

Thanks people for engaging this important topic for men

I think you are right on the money with the equation. Repression + oversexualized content = weirdness. I also agree completely with bringing it out in the open. I think is is that Repression for guys is a capital “R.” A lot is repressed. Having someone to talk to about it is not likely going to be something that a typical guy will have at his disposal. Trust is the word, judgment the other word.

Thanks

SC et al. I’ve been following the thoughts of you all and thanks, many thanks for your wisdom. And yes, SC, I agree, not all who use porn are addicts. As my mentor Don Jones once said, the problem with unconscious sex is not the sex, it’s the unconscious part. Porn can be a great adjunct to conscious sex. I’d love to hear more personal stories of men who have found the sacredness of their sexuality; who have defeated that shame dragon. I’ve often thought that a man who has not embraced the beauty and magnificence of his sexual being is a man who is split against himself. I judge it is time for us to reclaim our wholeness around our sexualty and our sacredness.

Jayson,

Great conversation, great topic, love the stats. Stunning…

It’s all about presence and what are you willing to feel. Whether it’s reaching for something to alter state or avoiding something to manage state.

Enjoying the depth…

In Strength,
Shawn

I am confused by so much moral/value-based discussion on porn. My deal is, “do you do porn, or does porn do you?” While I am an infrequent
porn consumer (~1-2 hours per week…sometimes…depends), I am massively into expressing myself sexually in ways that are genuine, feel good, achieve a level of connection with my partner or partners, and fold into exploration and adventure…and sometimes Porn is part of the mix…

Judgmental notions like ‘addict’, ‘bad boy’ etc. do not seem to to help the debate. Now each of us must decide where we lie on the spectrum of users vs. abusers…to what extent Porn/visual sexual cues add to our lives, harm our lives etc…

I do not have the answers…but this I know. I have met many interesting women who engage in reasonably wild sex with strangers…for many reasons…and I suspect they may be driven by some of the same reasons that some guys put Porn into a center position in their lives. I have a lot more learning/exploring to do….off to do that now!

Great insight… I always found this seclusion and fear of discovery odd, but only up to a point. Coming from a group of friends who all discovered their dad’s porn magazines at an early age, we never felt the stigma attached to it.. just seemed natural to have a porn collection.

Now we’re all in our late 20s and we have no shame about having porn kicking around on the computer.. hell we frequently share it amongst ourselves. But admit to using it as some sort of release (or god forbid, the M-word), never in a million years. Now that’s as funny as it is tragic.

In the end it all comes down to another form of drug, I guess. The kind we all admit to having, but we must never say we enjoy using it, or why.

Great discussion. Thanks for pulling the curtain back. I’ve been wrestling w/ “the porn thing” for many years. My ultimate verdict(s) are still out. I still sit with the question of what constitutes “the clean surf”. When is porn not based on some kind of avoidance of inter/intrapsychic experience? When is it actually a healthy endeavor? At this point, for myself, I can confidently say that my surfing is NOT “clean” (wow, i just caught the unfortunate pun. sorry.) At one level, I am acutely aware of how porn serves as very distinct release of anxious energy for me. I would elaborat on another level. The psychological level. Thru time well spent paying close attention to my thoughts, emotions, physical sensations while surfing, I have also gained incredible insights into my own personal psychology being played out. This is particularly revealed by the kind of porn I seek out. Exploring the underpinnings of my porn surfing have allowed me to understand many repressed aspects of my entire psyche not merely its sexual dimension. I’ve been able to integrate these abandoned “parts” of myself further into my my life, bringing them out of the darkness of shame. Having a partner with whom I can share my experiences has been invaluable to this process and my personal growth, not to mention the profound deepening of our intimacy and relationship.

Be curious, explore what is happening for you when you surf. It’s likely a huge doorway to your own personal growth.

Thanks again for blowing the door wide open, bro!

Good article.
The straw man is saying that religious and conservative organizations tab sex as bad and wrong. It’s much like the same groups getting the hit for other people misquoting scriptures, such as the ‘the love of money is the root of all evil’. People will leave out ‘love of’ and simply say “Pastor Sheets told us that money is the root of all evil”.

I don’t know one church going husband who thinks sex stinks, is bad or wrong. It’s all about context. Sex is great inside the confines God established. Sex outside of marriage leads to the same things you talk about here; shame, guilt, loss of trust, bonds broken, etc.

All in all, thanks for tackling the subject.

Perhaps you could define ‘Hooker’ for me. What makes a person a ‘Hooker’? In your professional opinion, of course. Since you seem to know so goddamn much.
Her’s what you should do, go out grow up a little, do whatever comes into your little professional head, and come back when you’ve been married for twenty years.
When you do that, you might have something to say to me. For now, you are a babbling idiot.

@melissa
Melissa it’s great that you tried to deal with it.
I found out my husband was surfing porn on my very first business trip for a new job. I was devastated.
It made me feel as though I weren’t meeting all his needs and desires, even though our sex life was, well I thought, great at the time.
I also felt as though I could never ‘be’ what those woman were, perfect bodies etc. which resulted in my pushing him away for weeks.
We had a really rough time, and any trust I had was broken, and still hasn’t returned. He made me feel as though I were to blame, in saying after months, when I still didn’t trust him, that I needed to get over it.
Now just two days ago, when I felt something wasn’t quite right, had a look at his registry and sure enough he was at it again when I was away for 5 days…
I’ve tried, but I view this as infidelity and I’ve had enough of it. Enough of promises of never doing it again and enough of feeling as though I’m not good enough.
There’s no excuse for it, if men want more in bed, more fantasy then just say! That’s all you have to do! Most wives and partners would make sure your needs were met, and that includes myself (if I’d been afforded the opportunity).
As to women surfing porn, I myself don’t do it….but if other’s are and they’re in a relationship, then they’re no better than the men who are doing it….

This post really bothered me, for several reasons

1) It is based on the entirely untrue assumption that men are the only one with any interest or who derive any pleasure from porn.
2) It makes the assumption that enjoying porn is the same as using it as an aversion. Sometimes it can be a celebration of sex, sometimes it can be used as ‘temporary substitute intimacy’ when someone doesn’t have a regular partner (which, in moderation, can be healthier than repressing the feelings). It doesn’t necessarily become a samsara-related activity at all.

The whole thing strikes me as coming from a very puritan angle.

Jayson,
Dude this is exactly it as far as I am aware. Whenever life gets tough, I use porn. When it goes great, I don’t. For me it has always been about finding a way to FEEL something anything rather than the numbness I have in my body. Not feeling empowered in making decisions that fundamentally effect how I am dealing with my life is the trigger, which is why I so believe in what you do. I decided to do Landmark Education and have felt more empowered than I ever did…so, less to have to avoid. It all fits! For me, I dont have a pull toward it when I am able to fully express to a woman how I feel. I am willing to be vulnerable and share and open my heart. When my heart is open, I really “get” there is a real person on that screen

@Jeremy
I wanted to address both your points…
1) He never said it was only men, just that it was mostly men. The stats are up there. But this post was directed at men, which I guess is what Jay knows more about
2) Saying that watching porn is a celebration of sex is like saying a bacon sandwich is a celebration of animal life. Take part in sex, and celebrate it from within. And, if we are single, why should it be only when we have a woman in our life that we are only able to express our sexuality? Why need to repress it being single? I do really believe that we are just avoiding being responsible for our sexuality by using it as a “temporary” measure. Besides, is that all woman are for us? Masturbation cardboard cutouts? There’s a real person on that screen. Not a shot of sexual tranquillizer to stop us from getting too randy. If thats why you feel it is justified in between relationships, I would really ask you to look at how you are with them when there is a woman around…can’t see her liking that reality of who she would be to you too much!

I’ve been a porn addict for over a decade now and have never really discussed it with anyone. It’s a filthy little habit I’ve been hiding from the world. Glad to see in the article that I’m not alone out there. Well after I read the article on September 22nd, I decided to quit porn cold turkey. And its been a difficult few days so far. Hopefully I can keep it up. My goal is to get to three months without porn. Which would be this Christmas. Cheer my on, guys!

Hey all….excellent topic

A few things come to mind after reading the post and comments:

I happenned to be learning to play this song the night before I read this post, and found new meaning in this line:

KOL – Use Somebody:
“Painted faces fill the places I can’t reach”

– For me, I have used porn to fill the places I can’t reach for sure…but I’ve used other things 2…drugs,alcohol, or even TV. Sometimes though it’s just fun, I love women…nothing so serious.

– From what I see, porn in and of itself is niether good or bad, unhealthy or healthy, that depends on the perspective of person and whether they are conscious about what they are doing.

-For the women out there, please understand that when a guy uses porn it has to do with what’s going on inside him, NOT YOU. The same goes for your reaction if you find out..try and understand why you feel the way you feel deeper than the porn itself, and if the issue is about trust and openness, then make it about that not porn…porn is just a trigger.

I hope this helps somebody out there

John

Jayson, I think you’re denying my experience and the experience of many *feminist* women I’ve been fortunate enough to have intimate relationships with in the past and present. I challenge you to ask yourself if you’re not being rigid and closed yourself, assuming that I haven’t listened to “feminist-type” women about this. Surely you understand that the mantle of feminism is taken up by women of many different points of view. And frankly, take a look in the mirror to see arrogant and judgmental.

“Then let’s talk?” Patronizing much?

Yes, much porn is made in a way that’s predatory to women. Many office & factory jobs are constructed in ways that are predatory to the people who work them, too. The problem is not inherent to porn, it is a human problem. Overcoming our delusional shame over our fondness for sexually explicit material is the best way we can fight the terrible conditions and nurture the positive ones.

You are right that women all over the world experience a barrage of sexual intrusion. I would argue that this is a result of men not understanding how to express their sexuality in a healthy way, a problem that is worse the more repression there is. Women want to be seen as sexy. They want to be appreciated as sexual beings. When we own our sexual desire and bring with it full appreciation and presence (to use AMP’s great conceptual framework), it becomes one of the best things about life.

No, not all porn is healthy. But done right (even done wrong and then discussed openly) it is an important and valid part of our shared sexuality. Where are women more respected and equal? In the US, where porn is freely available, or in Saudi Arabia, China, or under the Taliban, where it is outlawed? Worldwide, there is a strong inverse correlation between the availability of porn and violence against women.

I’m familiar with Andrea Dworkin, and surprised to see you endorsing such a radically sex-negative “feminist.” I disagree with her powerfully. I know many strong, independent, fabulous women who do as well. I know you are sincere and trying to do your best, but your condescending response and hidebound ideology have lost you quite a bit of credibility with me as a “men’s coach.”

Thank you Jayson. Your ability to take responsibility for your words allowed the conversation to really open up. (imho). Emily, right on and thank you. Chris – I have a tough time with your opinions and it gives me a very good place to look at some of my own power and fear of power dynamics.

What I keep noticing in myself is the importance of consciousness – am I being conscious about my use of porn? Have I slipped into a place of being zoned out or out of touch with my own values or commitments? In Jungian parlance, am I shoving my use of porn (or my relationship to power, or connection to women, or ability to feel fully) into shadow? When the pendulum swings that way – my use of porn has been hugely destructive to my relationships and my own self esteem.

When I am conscious not only of how I am engaged, but also wide awake about the content that I am engaging with [the porn itself] it’s a very different story. In the last 6 years I have moved to a much healthier emotional place and I am in a relationship in which I feel seen and valued and respected for who I am … and consequently my use of porn is infrequent. When I notice myself being attracted to porn, there is usually a lack of connection to my driving force or sense of purpose in the world. Little crises of confidence.

As for the feminist framing … my experience with the experts is that they are brilliant thinkers and powerful analysts, and subject to the same unconscious denials as the rest of us. I believe that they dismiss or deny the more slippery emotional states, interpersonal histories or gender dynamics in favor of an argument that makes too much of the institutions [the blanketing that Emily was referring to]. They are, as I might say to a guy in my circle, ‘in their heads’. Getting in touch with their bodies and the subtle energies might be helpful.

This article feels really incomplete to me. On one hand you advocate giving up porn, therefore implying that there's something wrong with looking at porn. But then you suggest getting over the shame and guilt. But, you've just made it feel wrong! So of course people will feel shameful about it. It's like the “just abstain from sex” argument. People aren't programmed to abstain from sex. And the statistics are quickly showing that abstinence only education doesn't work in schools. Lots and lots of men who seek an outlet for their sexual energy find that porn is a quick-release. “Just abstain” + “but let your shame go” + “even though it's wrong” isn't enough to change the behavior.

So… what's wrong with porn? Why is it bad to look at it? How does it hurt the relationship? And I don't mean, how does it hurt women… because as a woman, I already know that side of it. How does it hurt a man to look at porn if he still loves and cares for his partner and gives her attention?

If you suggest that someone let go of their shame, to me, that implies that it's time to accept porn for what it is… and not vilify the activity.

I'm not entirely convinced that porn is bad. That said, I've been in situations where I found my partner's porn use to be pretty distasteful. But there were also mitigating circumstances… I'd found out that he was actively engaging in flirtation and various forms of cheating. The porn use just seemed and extension of that. Before the cheating, I wasn't bothered by his porn use. After the cheating, everything in my mind became an extension of his desire to cheat, including his desire for porn imagery. But, that's my own baggage to work out.

For me, porn content is important. If a man is just attracted to imagery of the female body, that seems pretty darn reasonable. That's how men are wired! But, if a man's porn is about forceful blow-jobs, or rape scenarios, or involves a lot of degrading behavior, my attraction to that man disappears.

My point is, it's not a black and white issue. And until you leverage a good argument to men about WHY it's harmful… emotionally, psychologically, or otherwise… and I mean, an argument backed up by science, not backed up by some vague morality, even I won't buy the argument.

-RR

Grow up mr. Scott. It's his opinion.

G'day Jason,
Just a quick note in agreement with EmilyC. You have generalised a lot….when was the last time you came to church or a church men's group? I'm an elder of one that puts sex on the agenda a fair bit…why, just as you have pointed out, it is a hot topic. Song of Songs is a book that explores this in great detail. Great for counciling couples having issues that quite often relate to personal inhabitions or those who have distorted views of sex and intamacy due to porn addiction of one or both partners. It gets my goat that some think just because we believe in God we don't want or enjoy sex….personally if scripture was understood men should be lining up at the door each week with the wife in tow to see what happens next.

God invented the stuff, we just enjoy it.

God bless

Indeed. Porn is mood altering poison. It is nothing more than a way to disengage from our discontent. May all beings awaken out of the depraved depiction of our sacred sexualtiy.

Thanks for articulating some of the facets of this past time. I'm in the midst of a divorce and have been a porn addict for sometime. I need to understand this reflex and this is the first time I've read anything of practical use in assessing the condition; more therapy needs to address this.

I like your approach, that you deal with the underlying cause of why men are attracted to porn in the first place. Usually we hear about the damaging effects of pornography on women, society, the family, and so on– all of which are true, but they are simply *external* motivators not to be involved in porn. But unless you change the *inside* ,the heart, of a man, he will not be able to stop doing something he already knows is not quite right, not quite real. I hope many men read your article and begin the difficult but wonderful journey of facing oneself.

I always thought guys surfed porn bc they were confusing sex for intimacy & were looking for intimacy & of course, release.

After 6 years of being married, my wife just found out that I have been watching porn… I dont spend money on it and I told her that I’d quit “and really meant it”. She still felt hurt and cheated. So she left me. And the bad thing is I really dont need porn, like the reasonings above I was just killing time. She always told me if I was gonna watch it then she didnt want to know about it, And without thinking about it I got up from the computer and forgot to clear the history. I never felt guilty about porn, in-fact alot of it is really funny… But in the end porn and my forgetfulness ruined my marrige.

Here’s one for you, my fiance and I have argued about the sex/ porn topic. we were in a long distance relationship for almost 2 years, he used to watch porn everyday for a number of reasons, wake up, get tired, when he was bored, or he just really enjoyed it. now that we live together, the only way he can get in the mood is if he watches porn first or if i take the initiative and physically touch his member. he said he only gets in the mood without help every 3 or so days. is that true, or do you think there is something deeper. he doesn’t ask me to “help” him out, he always wants me to start it…its not fair and very frustrating. he’s not your “typical” guy and i don’t know what to do anymore.